So alot of people know about this really nasty situation that occured right around my birthday. Actually it was literally on my birthday. I had a party at a friends house, well it was a joint party actually, that went terribly wrong. And I was mostly to blame. It was supposed to be a tame party. It wasn't.

Too much alcohol, too much hot tub, too little food equals too much drama. I let down people I loved. I let myself down. It was really one of those points in your life where you come to a cross roads. I had to choose between drinking and lies or living a better life. I chose the later.

I was feeling pretty comfy in my decision. There were a few changes I needed to make, a few passengers I didn't want coming along for the ride. I took care of business. I took responsibility for my actions, set the record straight with people I cared about and moved on. But there was one person I didn't make amends with because he had moved out of the country. I was okay with that at the time because I thought I wouldn't see him again for a long time and I'd have time to heal, the memories would have time to fade to gray, and things would just be better.

Then 6 weeks later he came back.
And he moved into my house.

Talk about a mistake staring you in the face. Mine was there 24 hours a day 7 days a week and it sucked. I thought if I could just talk it out with him, be honest and give him my side of the story, get some thing off my chest and clear the air it would be better.

I was wrong.

We talked. And it didn't really help. That's when I realized a few things about who he is and a few things about what really matters to me.

It's really not his fault and he's not a bad person. It's just not going to turn out the way I expected it to. He said everything I wanted to hear. Start over, no history, I understand, it's okay...nothing worked. In the process I realized 2 things. First, it doesn't really matter if people choose not to forgive you. It matters that God does and it matters that you forgive yourself. The people who love you and know you will probably always forgive you ( if you truly realize your mistake) because they love you (as long as it's something that is forgivable that is...which depends on the person giving the forgivness). My family and best friends had already forgiven me. I had been working to forgive myself. God had forgiven me. I think that's why the talk didn't make a difference in how I felt. I had already worked through it.
Secondly, sometimes when you meet people you get this picture of them in your mind. In my mind people always tend to be selfless, compassionate, emotionally mature, helpful, responsible, and passionate people. That's not always true. The colours seem to fade when the first crisis hits. Or they get brighter. In this case, they got a little duller, at least to me. I don't think the colours would be dull to everyone. But yet again, me, with my big expectations was dissapointed in the outcome because of what I had dreamed it would be.
The quiet persistance of my dreams. It's a blessing and a curse.
So my mistake still lives in my house. I see it everyday and sometimes I talk to it. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, but lately I've just been feeling more confident in my choices and that God gave me those mistakes to realize something.
I'm not the only one that made mistakes in that situation. I'm just the only one that took full responsibility. Adn tha's okay. Cause I'll be learning and growing and bettering myself as a human being. And isn't that what this life is all about?
I'm sorry that situation hurt people I loved and made them question my intentions. I'm sorry I was friends with people who sold me out and lied to me and about me. I'm sorry that I didn't take action to stop it all.
And now I'm done being sorry. I'm done feeling guilty. I'm done taking responsibilities that aren't mine.
It's not just me in this world. I am not alone in my thoughts. Besides the people I've been blessed with in my life, I have one powerful source that would never leave me alone in my thoughts. Because my thoughts are His thoughts.
I'm closing this chapter and walking away without looking back.
Excuse me for living.