I've been thinking lately alot about how my life used to be. I'm not sure why, but in the last few days I've really been contemplating some stuff. Things I didn't do right, things I would change. Maybe in some small way I can try to make them right.
I guess it will be pretty weird for some people.

There were things that happened as far back as 3 years ago that I feel I need to apologize for or rekindle or reconnect, whatever you wanna call it. I'm so hard on myself and I think that's hard for people to understand. I carry things with me, things people say, ways they look at me. I also have a funny way of selling myself short, just about everytime. I'm not smart enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not old enough, I'm not honest enough. But I'm realizing now that I AM those things and that different people see me in different ways because they knew me in different contexts.

The stuff I feel worst about pretty much all revolves around the years I worked in baseball. It was such a carefree crazy time, but I made alot of mistakes. Said things I shouldn't have, did things I shouldn't have and DIDN'T do things I SHOULD have. I think there's still time. I'm only 22.
Look out people. Letters are coming your way.

Most of these people I would never ever have thought of writing to and certainly not apologizing to. Maybe I'll write the letters and not send them. Who knows. It's not in my hands. I was just wreckless with some relationships I wish I hadn't been. I know I can live my life good enough now and in the future, but I just somehow feel like that's not enough.

Maybe they won't forgive me. Maybe they'll think I'm full of crap, or crazy for thinking about it after all this time. But I think it's important we tell people what they mean or meant to us. That way, we can't take back what we did, but at least we can resolve the situation by admitting our wrongs and asking for forgiveness. Then we can truly forgive ourselves. So I guess in a way I'm doing this for a selfish reason. I'm just tired of feeling sorry all the time.

2001-2004 were some of the best years of my life. 2002 was the best one. I don't want to keep looking back on them with guilt because I can't change things that happened or didn't happen.

So here goes. I'm about to re-connect with my "enemies". My burdens of guilt. I'm facing them head on because I'm not afraid anymore. No more hiding. A lot more honesty. And honestly, I'm more then ready to move on.