So much has been whirling around me lately. Work is insanely busy. Friends keep me insanely busy. Everything is busy. Then there are times when it all stops. I stop in my tracks and take a look around me. It's like one of those scenes in a movie where everything is going by really really fast, so fast that's it's blurry and the character is completely clear and jsut watches everything go by.
On Tuesday everything stopped.
My friend died. He had cancer. I loved him and he is not here anymore to talk to. I can't tell him my stories, I can't hear his. I can't sit and watch him read the paper. I can't make him lunch. He can't make me laugh. And I'm feeling selfish and I'm mad. Why does cancer get to take people from us? Why did it take someone from me?
It wasn't the first. It won't be the last.
There are waves of feeling like I'm okay with it. And waves of total devistation. The thing is, when he left he took a peice of my heart with him. I guess it evens out though, cause I like to think he left a peice of his here with me. i was in his room the other day. I was looking for some paper work. I looked around at his things. I opened his closet and I wanted to go inside and sit at the bottom of it and not get out. I wanted to be that little girl who doesn't have to be strong and can jsut be completely enveloped in her emotions. And sometime sI am that girl. But I can't be now. Not yet. there are other who depend on me and my life must keep going. The guilt will leave me and I will continue, wiser, stronger, and more thankful then ever before.
We don't sign on for death in this life. But it is truly part of the journey. It's far from the end.
Sometimes I close my eyes and I can feel him, and hear him laughing and joking and I can see his face, still so vividly. I don't ever want that to fade. Time will be the theif of that someday soon. But the feeling I got when I was around him is something I'll never forget.
Death sucks.
But life doesn't.
And I wouldn't have traded having him in my life for anything. Even if it was only for 8 months.

Peace to you "Walter". I will see you again someday. I hope you are where you want to be, where ever it is that you missed the most. But please, don't go too far from my heart or mind.
Thank you for who you were and what you taught me. And I promise. We're all going to be okay. Even if you're passing has left a noticeble hole. Light will shine through it.
Somehow, it always does.