What's worse?

Knowing and being hurt...or never knowing at all and wondering for your whole life about it?

I honestly have no clue. I think I've had both. Actually I know I've had.
Being too afraid and not thinking I'm good enough to get what I want. Being too nervous to ask for what I need.

Finally doing it- although not when it REALLY counted and being burned.

Just so you know it really blows to get let down in an email. This guy I know, well I really liked him, I'm actually not sure why...I think he kept me busy. I guess I needed someone at the time, everyone else had someone so I thought go for something easy- not smarter then me, not wiser then me, not even prettier then me...
He wasn't even from my side of the planet. He was from New Zealand. He was a rugby player- not even a good one...
And I gave too much of my heart to him because I was lonely. I gave too much of my self to him because I've got this emptiness I'm still trying to fill.

He actually was stabbed at a party later that year, after we spent most of the summer together. I asked him if he wanted me to go see him with one of my Best Friends who actually knew him first. He said yes. I told him how I felt. He didn't agree or disagree which I've come to learn is actually disagreement.

So now what?
He wasn't even cooler then me and he let me down in an email 3 weeks later. Telling me to stop being "obsessed with him" and that he just didn't feel the same way.

Damn. Wait a minute...*reread the email* yep he said obsessed....
How did that happen?

Obsessed? Oh no- obsessed would be pining after the SAME GUY for 4 years...oh wait...that's a whole other entry...
All I'm saying is who told him he was worth enough to put himself in the "obsessed" category... oh no my darling kiwi, that category is reserved for the elite- the boys who actually encourage me to be better then what I am, not those that by mere presence make me feel as though I could never ever grow or mature more then what I was at 18 and still be superior by far to you...I mean "them"...
I'm not bitter.
Okay so I am...

At any rate in a way he did me a favour. In a way he made things worse. I wish I could see myself the way other people who love me seem to see me. I dunno I just don't see what they see. The confidence isn't there. I know God loves me, my Mum loves me, Moe loves me, my gal pals love me...it's so amazing the blessings I have in my friends. There just some snags in the material of my life.
Most of them, although I really want to blame men...were my fault. For not seeing myself as God and my family sees me. For not believing in myself enough to take leaps of faith.

There are about to be some really interesting twists in my story. If I were you I'd keep watching. You're not going to want to miss what happens in the next 12 months. I'm just about to find my place in this world. And look out when I do. I've almost got it.
I'll stitch up all those snags.
Not bitterly or regretfully.
I'll start with the small ones.
And work my way up to the 2 biggest ones.
Seriously- especially if you've known me since 2002-2003...you are not going to wanna miss what God's doing in my life.
I can feel it.

Not knowing is worse. Now that I think about it, it's much worse because you carry it around with you everyday. It creeps in when you're trying to sleep at night, it slips by in a familiar car or song, it screams out through songs you write, and it stares back at you in the mirror everyday. At least when you love as hard as I do it does.
I remember every bad choice and mean thing I've ever said. Even as a child. I remember every move I never made because I listened to that voice that told me "You don't deserve it, you are not a chosen one, you are not good enough. Let it go to someone who is."

Well I can't anymore. This started before I could talk and I want to take back my life. I'm tired of struggling for air. Lord give me breath. Be the air of confidence I so desperatly need to patch up my life.

The buterfly is emerging.
It's time to tidy things up a little.
Cobwebs are clearing.

Cleanly and discreetly.
Here I go.