So time for the honest truth.

To everyone out there who has been asking, and to those who haven't asked but have been wondering.
Am I doing okay? You know, with the whole Dad thing?

I've been saying yes.

Today the answer is an overwhleming NO.

I'm am not okay with knowing my Dad is dying.
I'm not okay that his addiction to alcohol put him there.
I'm not okay with my parent's divorce.
I'm not okay with my mum still wanting to see my dad and my dad saying "not right now".
I'm not okay with the 80 million tubes coming in and out of his body, especially the ones down his throat and in his nose.
I'm not okay that he's not getting better and that his best case senario is to live in a nursing home for the rest of his life.
I'm not okay wiht having to wear a surgical gown and gloves to visit him, and to touch him.
I'm scared.
And most of the time I feel pretty damn alone because no one out there can understand how I feel and no one can tell me what to say or how I should be saying it.

Right now, I'm just not okay. And I don't know what anyone can do about it.

My faith is being called into questiona nd yet again lies before me a test I was hardley ready for.
I sleep alot, but not well.
I think too much all the time.
I keep trying to find a break or release from any of it and I can't. I'm stuck in this huge overwhelming ball of stress and I don't know how to get myself out.
Lately everything has been stressful. My job, my home, my family, my friends, money and lack there of. Everything. I jsut need a break. Something has to go right.

I don't know how to ask my dad what he wants for a funeral. I want to ask him because no one else has and if he dies without me knowing what he wants I know it'll be trouble for everyone involved.
I don't know if he's trying to stall his death because he's afraid of leaving us, or he's jsut afraid of death itself.

I keep trying to fight back thoughts of despair because I know it won't get me anywhere but sometimes they creep in and I feel like I can't breathe and all I want is for some strong arms to hold me and tell that it'll be okay.
And right now I jsut don't see how any of it can be okay.

I needed more time. I was just figuring this dad stuff out and now I'm running out of time and my dad can't even talk to me cause he's got this stupid tube down his throat.And I don't want him to stick around for the "pain parade". I've seen people so drugged up they aren't even alive anymore and I don't want that for my dad. I'm having trouble seeing God in this. I'm haivng trouble feeling parts of my heart in this.

I'm jsut having trouble.

Everyday I go in there for a few hours and I'm strong. I keep it together. I make jokes, I apologize for not being better at reading his lips or holding the clipboard straighter so he can spell words out. I chat with the nurses and read him emails from my sister. And most of the time it takes every ounce of everything I have to even walk through the door.

I sit by his side and watch the nurses put liquids into his tubes and talk about things that no child wants to hear talked about when their parent is involved.

And a lot of times I wish one of 2 things.
I wish I was in a family with a dad that hadn't done the things my dad did.
And then I wish that this whole twighlight zone experience would turn into an episode of Scrubs and Zach Braff would jump out of somewhere and play me some sad songs and then tell some jokes and make me laugh. It's sad when your only true comic relief lies in some prime time sticom and some actor that you'll never meet and is probably nothing like you imagined him to be.

I still not dorwning. And I think I'll get through this. But I'm gasping for air a little and my arms are a little tired.

So if you pray. Great. Please do.

If not, jsut send me some positive thoughts- or even better- if your dad is alive and around- talk to him. Call him and tell him you love him. Put your arms around him and hug him and let him hug you back. Cause there will come a time in your life, no matter what has happened in the past where you would give anything for that feeling.
I've got alot of questions and I'm running out of answers. But one thing I do know now, and it's bitter sweet-
is that my dad loves me. He's loved me all along. and part of me wishes I never knew it. Part of me wishes I didn't always love him back.
Be careful what you wish for. Cause you jsut might get it and then not know what to do with it.