And as I sat there with him I was eerily reminded of how fragile our lives really are. How they could burst, like a fragle light bulb, imploding under the increasing strength of a closing fist.
I'm mad at myself for many things, many people will never understand.
Lately i have felt like my Dad's death was my fault. I encouraged my mom t get a divorce and the divorce sent my Dad into an ever worsening spiral of addiction. No one knew what is was like for me. Living there, with them. Alone. I hardly even had any friends and the ones I did have, certainly didn't know what was going on behind closed doors. I know it doesn't matter now, but I guess this has all been part of the process. Part of the "finding a way to deal with it" that everyone keeps talking about.
The rouble with that is I haven't mastered fear. I've had it in me since I was a little girl. A fear I wouldn't be liked, a fear I wouldn't fit in, a fear I wasn't talented or pretty enough, a fear my Dad was horrible, a fear my Mum would die, a fear my sister hated me, a fear I hated myself.
Sometimes I long to be on a stage staring out into blackness. I envy people who get to do that. I long for the security of that blackness. There's sweetness in it because you know behind that curtain the spotlights have created for you, there are actually, people.
I've told you all how much I miss my Dad. I haven't however, specified just how it has altered my sight in this world.
There isn't much that could hurt me more then hvaing the father I always wanted and then losing him in 3 months. If I can overcome that, I can overcome almost anything.

I jsut need to drop the fear.

I am no longer willing to tolerate rude, unthoughtful, or selfish people. I don't have time for it. I will be kind and curteous, but I'm done giving lip service. All my life I have bent over backwards to satisfy what I think others need. I have opened up in ways I never dreamed I could or would and I got burned. Badly. Very recently actually. So thank you for that. From now on thanks to you I will be more careful with my heart. I will only give it to those who prove themselves worthy. I will only open it to those who open theirs to me. I won't be hardend by your selfishness, I will be strengthened and smarter because I see things differently.

I denied my father for 9 years. I have denied myself for far longer then that.

I am not lost in the sea of long eyelashes and fancy clothes and sex appeal. I'm just undiscovered.

I want to get rid of the things that hold me back from chasing after my dreams. I want to see the world and fall in love and have a family and keep making music.

I know my Dad loved me and wants me to be happy. Those moments I had with him when he was sick keep playing over and over again in my head like a movie that won't shut off or a CD that keeps skipping. I hurt all over.

I just want to shed the skin of fear I've had my whole life. I don't want to be afraid to express my pain through my art, and I don't want to be afraid to tell people what I think when I think it.

My light bulb got smashed. Somebody broke it with their fist, then through it on the ground and grinded it into the pavement. My dream for a long happy realtionship or any kind of relationship with my dad died with him. And now I need to rebuild around the core, the filiment of my life, and build a stronger bulb. Something not so easy to break. Only then will people truly be able to bask in the warm glow of the light I have created.

I am not defeated. I am sad and briused. I am soldering on for my dad because that's what he would want me to do. I will follow my dreams. I will not e afraid. I will tell peopl how I feel and write more music and learn more things and meet more friends and travel to more places and love.

Gimme that damn lamp. I've got a new light bulb, the kind that never burns out. And it shines brighter then anything you've ever seen before.
This little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine.