Further to my previous blog entries things have of course continued on the same exciting path. They've gotten better though, more calming and more interesting.

I had a conversation with someone really close to me the other day about the way I'm feeling right now. For the first time in this situation I didn't feel so alone. People have surprised me with their support. And this person surprised me with seeing herself in me. I realized a few things. I've been asking God to make things really clear. What should I do, who should I write to. He came through very strongly.

I'm not so much full of regret as I am full of greatfulness for my past. I know I messed things up in some ways. I know I can't change it or go back and get a "do over". But I can tell people about the positive influence they had on my life while they were around and that I'm sorry things went down like they did.

I am hard on myself. I'm harder on myself then anybody else has ever been. I think I get that from my dad. He was so hard on us that if my sister and I went to the worst case senario as kids, for every little thing, we would never be surprised or "extra" hurt with his reactions. I carry guilt with me from stuff that happened when I was 5 years old. I don't know why. I just know that I want it to stop. And the only way to do that is to tell people I appreciate them and I'm sorry.

Besides, who wouldn't wanna get a letter telling them how great they are? Honestly?

So I went home last night thinking about all of this and I was feeling alot more calm cause I knew this wasn't about me re-living my life or going back into professional sports or anything. It was just about me taking care of unfinished business. I decided it didn't matter WHY people loved me, only that they did.. There were probably lots of people that loved me or love me and I don't even know about it. And sometimes I make it impossible for them to tell me that...I did everything I could to push them away. And most off the time it worked.

So I'm just gonna tell them I appreciated them and that I think about them from time to time and the positive things they did in my life. Then I can move on. Or start or continue a friendship. But at least I won't be walking around feeling nervous and sad.

And then God showed up. And He gave me words to write to 3 of the people I want to talk to. It just kept flowing. I was up until 2 am writing. I was honest. I was apologetic. I was me. I finally found that part again. The part that doesn't like saying mean things to people and doesn't like fighting. My heart is just softening. It feels really nice.
I know I can't control anyone's reactions to the letters and people might be bitter and not want to respond. But at least I tried. And I'm doing what God is calling me to do.

No one can say I didn't try.

I grew up and now I'm stretching out.

I miss baseball. I miss the fresh cut grass on the field, the deep thud of the ball hitting the backcatcher's glove. The way the sound echos as it hits the bat.

Sliding into third, the tag at home plate, the tins of chew tobacco making outlines in back pockets. I miss the sunflower seed shells, the fun during rain delays, the fans who drank too much, and the players that shouted back at them. I miss the breeze on the concourse from the river on days so hot you could hardley stand it. I miss the clicking of kleats on the cold concrete floors. Baseball talks with my uncle, throwing prizes to fans, and hanging out after the games. Arms on the bar infront of the dugout, rally-caps, seventh inning stretches, club house politics. Icing down, warming up, and batting practices. Singing the anthem on the field for the first time. Road trips and sneaking into bars when I wasn't old enough. All-Star games. Meeting famillies and girlfriends and wives and kids from other places. I met one of my dearest friends the first year I worked there. I met some really important people throughout my career there. I miss that side of it. I really miss baseball. I really miss the Goldeyes. I think there's part of me that will miss it forever.

But I'm not a kid anymore. And it wasn't all sunshine and roses. God transported me from that world to another the only way I would go. The hard way. I never would've left if He hadn't done things the way He did. It hurt. It really really hurt, But He knew exactly what He was doing. And I am who I am now because of it. Just like everything else He's done in my life. It's made me wiser, stronger, and deeper then who I was when I started.

I'm sending the letters. I pray His blessings will accompany them. I pray that He will soften hearts and open minds and heal.

Don't wait until something bad happens to tell someone what they mean to you. Do it right now. Today. It's harder to go back years after and tell people what you should've been saying all along-
-the truth about how much you appreciate them.