I was thinking about my Dad again today. Today I had the realization that he must have gone through alot of pain before he died. Jamie says nobody reads my blog, so if that's true I guess it doesn't really matter if I give details about my Dad's illness.
My Dad was an alcoholic. He had been drinking since he was a teenager. He got sicker and sicker, my parent's marriage failed because he wouldn't give it up and it madee them both crazy.

And then he got sick.

He was living in his apartment, not able to eat or really sleep and he was drinking one bottle of water a day and thinking he was getting enough hydration. People saw him getting sick. No one did anything. When I look at the last picture taken of him, his driver's liscence- I'm shocked at how sick he looked. His skin was gray, his eyes were blank, he looks really sick.

Someone finally took him into hospital in January. His belly was so distended from the back up of toxins that instead of the norm al 34 waste size he wore, his friend had to buy him a size 40 pant to get him into the hospital. He was really sick when I saw him.
But then he was getting better and better and was doing physio and things were looking up. But his liver never regained function, neither did his kidneys after tons of dialysis.
My Dad died of kidney and liver failure due to alcoholism.

But what struck me today was how hopeless he must've been in his apartment, he was sick for at least 2 months before he went in. He was too weak to leave to even get his mail. He couldn't drive anywhere.

He was alone, in that place. In his easy chair. Which I have now. When I sit in it I feel him there. It's an ugly old thing, but my Dad's presence is there. And when I sit there I don't feel like he's so far away.

I'm sad that my Dad spent his last days like that. Alone in that apartment #304. No one was there to take out his trash or cook for him or anything. Sometimes I feel like I should've been there. I would've been there if I could have. I would've taken him to the hospital alot sooner.

But I didn't.
And I wasn't.
But I just felt a sadness for his lonliness today.
And I wish I could've been there for him then.