“Let’s talk about feelings.”
“Okay, what kind of feelings?”
“Let’s talk about unconditional love.”

Seems like a kind of conversation any girl wants to have. But it’s what came after that part of the conversation that ruined it.

He wanted me to come over and do things and say things that I didn’t want to do with him or say to him. And worse yet, we had already had that conversation. I had been firm about what I expected and what I was capable of. It was hard and scary but I felt much stronger after having done it. And again I was put in the uncomfortable position I had worked so hard to break free of.
And he wanted to talk about unconditional love.

How do you decide if someone’s definition of love matches yours? People throw that word around like it’s a toy. Like a “the” or an “and”. The vast majority of our population doesn’t really know what love means, let alone unconditional love.

“Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts. “- Quote from The Last Kiss

It’s the truth. All my experiences have taught me that this is completely true. You can say you care and that you love someone, but if your actions don’t back it up then you are lying to yourself and you are lying to the person you’re telling it to.

When you are placed in the position of being the one that is lied to, how do you decide whether it’s worth fighting for? How do you decide whether to stay or to walk away? I recently went through a situation where someone else did something pretty much unforgivable to me. They put me in a scary situation that rocked me to my core. And I forgave them. Why? Because it felt completely different. When he said he was sorry I knew he actually meant it. It was the look in his eyes and the way he moved his face and hands. He had a sincerity about him that only I can understand.

Everyone was telling me to walk away. And I wanted to. I wanted to hate him and I told him that. But then I thought about how much forgiveness I’d received in my own life. Where would I be if people hadn’t given me a second chance? And it just felt right to give him a second chance. I cared about him enough to show it. Not to be a doormat for his bad behavior. But to be a big enough person to pay it forward and to help him understand what it really means to care about someone. His core was good. He was just making bad choices. He wasn’t hatable. It would be impossible for to me to ignore all the other things he’d done for me and all the other experiences we’d had together. And it would be impossible for me to ignore the way he was when the chips were down and it really counted. When it really mattered he dealt with it. And that meant something.

But in this current situation it doesn’t feel like that. It’s been downhill from the start and I just shut my eyes and pretended I wasn’t careening down a steep slope of doom. Everything that was good feels like a set up. It all feels like a lie. A house of cards that was inevitably going to self destruct. And I’m left with a few tattered pieces of what could have been. But the truth is I gave up on it a long time ago. The bad part is I actually did think he cared about me a person. Like he really cared about what happened to me and my family and my friends. But the truth is he is completely self serving. Nothing he did was for my benefit. It was all leading up to that moment where his true colours would seep through. No matter how he tried to keep it hidden. And no matter how hard I tried not to see it.

I feel no need to forgive him in the way I forgave in the other situation. I just feel the need to get the poison out of my life. It makes me feel nauseous and shell shocked.

“Let’s talk about unconditional love.”

Sure. Let’s talk about how I don’t love you unconditionally. Because I don’t. You broke into my safe space. You snuck in though an open window and tried to darken the brightest light with your disease. I refuse to let you back into that space to try it again. You can’t strangle the life out of me or make me think that I am not destined to be something better then what you are trying to make me be. It may not seem like a big deal to you. But it’s a huge deal to me. And I can’t and I won’t let it happen again. There are lots of women out there that will. I am not, nor will I ever be one of them.

The truth is I loved you conditionally. I loved you on the condition you would be there for me and support me. On the condition that you were sorry and would change the way you were doing things. I cared about you on the condition that you had goodness at your core and a genuine desire to constantly be growing and learning and bettering yourself. I loved you as my friend on the condition that you would respect me and love me as your friend. And you broke every single one of those conditions. Don’t ask me how I am when you don’t really want to know. And now I don’t want to know how you are. You wrecked it. And I can see all of your lies now for what they really were. A set up. Too bad for you I figured it out before you got what you wanted. Too bad for me it took me so long to admit that I knew about it all.

Everyone you’ve fooled will keep believing how wonderful you are. And you can keep that public persona- that façade of human decency – that smoke screen of perfection going for as long as you like. But rest assured if you do not change they will eventually see you for what you are. A poor, sad, shell of a person who really has no idea what love is. And the bad stuff that’s happened to you in your life is no excuse. You are a grown up human being, and as such it is your responsibility to deal with your past, suck it up, and move on. Stop blaming everyone for a situation that you have created for yourself.

And you said you knew God. Anyone who knew God’s love shouldn’t love like that. And that’s one of the worst parts of this. Is how you are trampling on His name and the forgiveness He gave you. There is hope for you. But only if you take a good long look in the mirror and are completely honest with yourself. And you better hurry up because you are running out of time.

Unconditional love. It’s hard to find it. It’s the kind of love that’s pure and good. It’s rare. I know it. I have felt it. I see it in the face of a two year old baby girl who doesn’t yet know what it means to be really hurt. I see it in my mother’s face. I see it when my grandmother looks at my grandfather. I saw it in my father’s eyes as I sat by his bedside. I feel it when my sister hugs me. I feel it when I say I’m sorry to my friends and they say “It’s okay. I forgive you. And anyway, I can’t imagine my life without you.” I feel it in a 2 hour conversation on a Sunday morning about nothing that means more then a 15 minute conversation about something that feels empty.

I know a lot of this may seem like code. Like I’m talking around something instead of talking about it. What I’m trying to say it unconditional love is about consistency between words and action. It is about tangible and practical examples of love being put into action. Knowing when to bend and when to break. Knowing when to give space and when not to leave. Living as honestly as you can and saying sorry when you don’t.

Yeah, let’s talk about unconditional love. I know what it is. And I don’t think you do. And the fact that you even tried to bring that up in a conversation that was anything but loving shows me how much work you’ve got to do. And tells me that I can’t be your crutch while you do it.

“Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts. “
- Quote from The Last Kiss

I don’t love you unconditionally. It’s not my job to make you see things differently. But I do love you enough to let you go. And I love myself enough to walk away with my dignity in tact and my heart still on my sleeve to prove to people that darkness cannot keep the light out forever. This time of darkness is over. Hopefully I’ll see you on the brighter side one day. Cause that's where I am and that's where I'm going to stay.