I'm mad at my self today. There are some areas I've grown leaps and bounds in, and some areas I am so far behind in- these days it seems like all the important ones I'm lacking in.
There's this guy I know,kay well I don't really "know" him but I know of him, I guess I've had a crush on him since the fall and we see each other 2 or 3 times a week, under strange circumstances which I shall not devulge at the moment. Anyway, he's about my age and he's super cute, well I think he is anyways and he's great with kids and he's super professional and he's just great. I'd like to know more, but I can't.
Cause I don't know how.
No one ever taught me that, how to approach someone and jsut get to know them, you know, like, find out if you wanna know more about them, or know more about them in a different way.
It's stupid actually, just the bits and peices I've picked up about him from talking to him or hearing him talk, I'd like to know more. I just can't. It's such a weird situation and I'm so scared. I've been burned alot. And I think I'm "damaged goods". Who wants something that's weathered so many trials? I come with so much baggage sometimes it doesn't surprise me that I don't really "date". I always hear those voices in my head like you're not pretty enough, you're not smart enough, you're too fat, you're too whatever...ugh....it's so gross. I jsut wanna master some of this "life stuff" I've missed out on...and sometimes the words are so sharp on my tounge I think I could yell them and not care who heard.
I just wanna talk to him, no big deal. No expectation. Just talk.
I need to get to that point or I'll be in this hole forever and it sucks.

Here's something I wrote.

Leaves drift to the ground and the soles of my shoes begin to freeze.
In one spot. I can't move. And I don't really want to.
Grief and loss were seasons that followed.
You didn't ask for this.
Chance passing and smiling glaces, not much else to report.
Still frozen.
Wishing I had the strength within me to be something I've always wanted to be.
Confident.
The beauty in your teaching does not pass me by.
I admire your strength.
I create a diguise of fear and brokeness to avoid taking action.
Can you please take the action?
Still frozen.
Curious smiles begin to melt away the frozen tears that have closed in on my heart.
Frustration melts them further and I feel the warmth and the rush of life that everyone is always talking about.
Take the damn action.
Slowly unthawing.
Like Spring Awakening.
So does your warmth to my heart.
Feeiing dizzy, and confused, but happy and renewed and...
terrified.
I can't take another step, you've got to lead the way I can't see where I'm going.
You do it.
Turn the light on, take my hand, chart the map, follow the signs.
Do something.
I can't.
Heat that doesn't move weighs in all around us in a room with no air flow and in a season hotter then fall, winter, and spring.
now is the season.
I want to cease my resistance and start with persistance but you've got to untie me before I begin.
I can't say it in words so I won't try because they'll come out like a childrens nursery rhyme that make no sense.
But you can. Somebody has to. And I pick you.
So pick up your frozen soul and find a way to unthaw it before these minutes pass us by like memories forgtten on playgrounds of the past.
And so, I wait.
End.


So I'll wait until God makes the move. I know if it was right He would push it to happen so I'll wait for the opportunity to hear His voice.Until then, Tuesdays and Thursdays will continue to be my favourite days of the week. For more then one reason. No matter how silly people think it may be.