Oh it’s been a little bit too long since I’ve written. Just waiting for a good thought I guess. Still waiting, so I figured I’d just start writing.

You know when you're really stressed about making a decision? You eat it, sleep it, dream it, and breathe it. Then you finally come to a choice. Yes. That’s it! That’s what you’ll do! But that’s not the hard part; you actually have to do it.

It’s the doing I have the most trouble with. I fear hurting people, pissing them off, getting rejected, being misunderstood. I hate having to explain myself. I always just want everyone to get what I’m talking about. In fact sometimes I get so excited about something, that when I’m talking I’ll actually skip entire thoughts or connecting phrases when I’m speaking. I just wanna say what I’ve got to say, suffer no consequence except a good one, then move on.

If only it were that easy.

Comfort is a blessing and a curse. Comfort allows us to feel as if we can truly be our honest selves, but in doing so we open the flood gates to both the good and the bad of who we are. I like being comfortable. But not too comfortable. Too comfortable leads to disaster.

I need to get better at being honest. I’ve being trying lately. Not that I lie a lot, it’s just that often I think things and don’t say them.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s a fine line between being honest and being a jack ass. I think I’ve crossed it a few times trying to figure out where it is. I think it’s different for everyone because it’s all about the delivery, for example, if I say, “Honestly I HATE that shirt on you, it washes you out and makes you look fat.” Some people would respect that. Others would cry about it. I was honest, but the delivery would be better for those more sensitive folks by saying, “Well, I like this other shirt better”, or “I like it, but it’s not my favourite.” Crisis averted. And I’m still being relatively honest.

Lately I’ve been too comfortable to be honest. Cause honesty can shake things up a little, it can change things. And as a general rule I’m not a big fan of change. There for I’d much rather take the easy road- keep my mouth shut and cope. But now that I talk to God all the time, He doesn’t want me to “cope”. He wants me to deal with it. Imagine that….So it’s gonna shake things up a little. And it’s gonna change things. And some people might get mad, some people already are. But it’s not about them. It’s about God and me. And what he wants for my life. And more importantly what he DOESN’T want for my life.

“I am lucky. I did not choose this life it chose me. It’s strange like that. Not picking my path, but rather easing into the water and letting it carry me where it will. Yes, there will be nights where I feel like my destiny is at my fingertips and there will be nights I wish the lights were off and I could just make these sounds in the dark. Still, I will always be there, wherever there might be, staring into the blackness hoping the blackness stares back at me.”

Crap I wish I wrote that. I didn’t, an amazing artist I’ve been listening to Andrew McMahon, his band is called Jack’s Mannequin, wrote it. I think it should be on a plaque somewhere. As should most of his lyrics, he is a true poet. Anyway, I can’t say it any better then he did. I think the blackness is like the unknown. So yeah I guess I’ll always be staring back into it, hoping it stares back at me. It did a little bit today. Bless you Fiona.
And I love that part about letting the water carry me where it will. Cause to me God is fluid like water and water is life. Just picture that in your head. God flowing all around you and just gently carrying you where he knows you should be.
I think I’ll leave it at that. I just love that picture. I hope it brings peace to you too.