Further to my previous blog entries things have of course continued on the same exciting path. They've gotten better though, more calming and more interesting.

I had a conversation with someone really close to me the other day about the way I'm feeling right now. For the first time in this situation I didn't feel so alone. People have surprised me with their support. And this person surprised me with seeing herself in me. I realized a few things. I've been asking God to make things really clear. What should I do, who should I write to. He came through very strongly.

I'm not so much full of regret as I am full of greatfulness for my past. I know I messed things up in some ways. I know I can't change it or go back and get a "do over". But I can tell people about the positive influence they had on my life while they were around and that I'm sorry things went down like they did.

I am hard on myself. I'm harder on myself then anybody else has ever been. I think I get that from my dad. He was so hard on us that if my sister and I went to the worst case senario as kids, for every little thing, we would never be surprised or "extra" hurt with his reactions. I carry guilt with me from stuff that happened when I was 5 years old. I don't know why. I just know that I want it to stop. And the only way to do that is to tell people I appreciate them and I'm sorry.

Besides, who wouldn't wanna get a letter telling them how great they are? Honestly?

So I went home last night thinking about all of this and I was feeling alot more calm cause I knew this wasn't about me re-living my life or going back into professional sports or anything. It was just about me taking care of unfinished business. I decided it didn't matter WHY people loved me, only that they did.. There were probably lots of people that loved me or love me and I don't even know about it. And sometimes I make it impossible for them to tell me that...I did everything I could to push them away. And most off the time it worked.

So I'm just gonna tell them I appreciated them and that I think about them from time to time and the positive things they did in my life. Then I can move on. Or start or continue a friendship. But at least I won't be walking around feeling nervous and sad.

And then God showed up. And He gave me words to write to 3 of the people I want to talk to. It just kept flowing. I was up until 2 am writing. I was honest. I was apologetic. I was me. I finally found that part again. The part that doesn't like saying mean things to people and doesn't like fighting. My heart is just softening. It feels really nice.
I know I can't control anyone's reactions to the letters and people might be bitter and not want to respond. But at least I tried. And I'm doing what God is calling me to do.

No one can say I didn't try.

I grew up and now I'm stretching out.

I miss baseball. I miss the fresh cut grass on the field, the deep thud of the ball hitting the backcatcher's glove. The way the sound echos as it hits the bat.

Sliding into third, the tag at home plate, the tins of chew tobacco making outlines in back pockets. I miss the sunflower seed shells, the fun during rain delays, the fans who drank too much, and the players that shouted back at them. I miss the breeze on the concourse from the river on days so hot you could hardley stand it. I miss the clicking of kleats on the cold concrete floors. Baseball talks with my uncle, throwing prizes to fans, and hanging out after the games. Arms on the bar infront of the dugout, rally-caps, seventh inning stretches, club house politics. Icing down, warming up, and batting practices. Singing the anthem on the field for the first time. Road trips and sneaking into bars when I wasn't old enough. All-Star games. Meeting famillies and girlfriends and wives and kids from other places. I met one of my dearest friends the first year I worked there. I met some really important people throughout my career there. I miss that side of it. I really miss baseball. I really miss the Goldeyes. I think there's part of me that will miss it forever.

But I'm not a kid anymore. And it wasn't all sunshine and roses. God transported me from that world to another the only way I would go. The hard way. I never would've left if He hadn't done things the way He did. It hurt. It really really hurt, But He knew exactly what He was doing. And I am who I am now because of it. Just like everything else He's done in my life. It's made me wiser, stronger, and deeper then who I was when I started.

I'm sending the letters. I pray His blessings will accompany them. I pray that He will soften hearts and open minds and heal.

Don't wait until something bad happens to tell someone what they mean to you. Do it right now. Today. It's harder to go back years after and tell people what you should've been saying all along-
-the truth about how much you appreciate them.

What's worse?

Knowing and being hurt...or never knowing at all and wondering for your whole life about it?

I honestly have no clue. I think I've had both. Actually I know I've had.
Being too afraid and not thinking I'm good enough to get what I want. Being too nervous to ask for what I need.

Finally doing it- although not when it REALLY counted and being burned.

Just so you know it really blows to get let down in an email. This guy I know, well I really liked him, I'm actually not sure why...I think he kept me busy. I guess I needed someone at the time, everyone else had someone so I thought go for something easy- not smarter then me, not wiser then me, not even prettier then me...
He wasn't even from my side of the planet. He was from New Zealand. He was a rugby player- not even a good one...
And I gave too much of my heart to him because I was lonely. I gave too much of my self to him because I've got this emptiness I'm still trying to fill.

He actually was stabbed at a party later that year, after we spent most of the summer together. I asked him if he wanted me to go see him with one of my Best Friends who actually knew him first. He said yes. I told him how I felt. He didn't agree or disagree which I've come to learn is actually disagreement.

So now what?
He wasn't even cooler then me and he let me down in an email 3 weeks later. Telling me to stop being "obsessed with him" and that he just didn't feel the same way.

Damn. Wait a minute...*reread the email* yep he said obsessed....
How did that happen?

Obsessed? Oh no- obsessed would be pining after the SAME GUY for 4 years...oh wait...that's a whole other entry...
All I'm saying is who told him he was worth enough to put himself in the "obsessed" category... oh no my darling kiwi, that category is reserved for the elite- the boys who actually encourage me to be better then what I am, not those that by mere presence make me feel as though I could never ever grow or mature more then what I was at 18 and still be superior by far to you...I mean "them"...
I'm not bitter.
Okay so I am...

At any rate in a way he did me a favour. In a way he made things worse. I wish I could see myself the way other people who love me seem to see me. I dunno I just don't see what they see. The confidence isn't there. I know God loves me, my Mum loves me, Moe loves me, my gal pals love me...it's so amazing the blessings I have in my friends. There just some snags in the material of my life.
Most of them, although I really want to blame men...were my fault. For not seeing myself as God and my family sees me. For not believing in myself enough to take leaps of faith.

There are about to be some really interesting twists in my story. If I were you I'd keep watching. You're not going to want to miss what happens in the next 12 months. I'm just about to find my place in this world. And look out when I do. I've almost got it.
I'll stitch up all those snags.
Not bitterly or regretfully.
I'll start with the small ones.
And work my way up to the 2 biggest ones.
Seriously- especially if you've known me since 2002-2003...you are not going to wanna miss what God's doing in my life.
I can feel it.

Not knowing is worse. Now that I think about it, it's much worse because you carry it around with you everyday. It creeps in when you're trying to sleep at night, it slips by in a familiar car or song, it screams out through songs you write, and it stares back at you in the mirror everyday. At least when you love as hard as I do it does.
I remember every bad choice and mean thing I've ever said. Even as a child. I remember every move I never made because I listened to that voice that told me "You don't deserve it, you are not a chosen one, you are not good enough. Let it go to someone who is."

Well I can't anymore. This started before I could talk and I want to take back my life. I'm tired of struggling for air. Lord give me breath. Be the air of confidence I so desperatly need to patch up my life.

The buterfly is emerging.
It's time to tidy things up a little.
Cobwebs are clearing.

Cleanly and discreetly.
Here I go.