There are lots of things in life you can be late for.
A bus, your job, the last chocolate donut, paying your taxes, the first warm chocolate chip cookie fresh out of the oven. Some are more important then others obviously. You can be late for all these things and more but your life moves on. Most of the time you can still accomplish what you set out to do with a relatively small consequence. Just because you don’t get the FIRST cookie doesn’t mean you won’t get one- and you may have to pay extra on your taxes, but they will be paid. So here’s my question. What things in life can you NOT afford to be late for. And how is that you come to conclusion that you are “too late” in the first place?
I recently realized that there are a lot of things I was “late” for growing up. I know everyone’s got their issues so I won’t play the worlds smallest violin and ask for sympathy for having my own issues. But my issues tend to focus on relationships. Specifically healthy relationship with the opposite sex.
I find that I am constantly looking for that stereotypical “prince charming” to swoop in and fix my life and make me forget all the painful memories I have of being left and walked out on as a kid. Because I assume that every guy I meet could potentially be that answer to the eternal question “I’m I fixable?” I end up setting the standard so high for them that they can never in a million years end up providing the feelings of safety and security that I so desperately crave.
Until recently.
Through a completely unexpected source I am learning how to take it easier on the men in my life. That doesn’t mean falling back on certain essential standards but it does mean not having such high expectations of emotional intimacy right off the bat.
Everyone’s need for “love” begins with a very primal instinct. It begins when we are babies; we need to be touched, held, cooed to, and cuddled. These basic building blocks never go away (despite how we might push them). As we grow into adults these basic needs take on more mature specifications, but they are indeed still present in our psyches. Sometimes we mistake lust for love because we need to feel these things so much. I know personally I’ve done that more then once. But I think I’m starting to figure it out now.
Just as when we were kids we turn to different people for different kinds of validation. We went to our mom if we needed comfort and usually our dad if we needed tough love or a stronger more protective approach. As adults we develop relationships that take on similar reflections of this early pattern. As a woman, some men in my life have deeper meaning then others. I go to some for comfort and listening and I go others when I need different kinds of validation. The key is to find someone who encompasses all these things. As Shakespeare wrote, “There in lies the rub”.
There are different kinds of love. “Dreamy love” is where I think I’ve existed for the past 23 years. It is only now that I am beginning to understand a new practical way of loving someone. For their personality and the way they treat you. Not necessarily for who you project them to be.
There is something about my need to be “loved” that is very primal. I hate to admit that. It makes me feel SUPER uncomfortable to talk about physical love. But it has been through my discovery of what it means to be intimate with someone that this kind of love has taken on a new meaning.
I know I’m being very cryptic, and most of you are DYING to know what exactly I’m referring to and I’m not going to go into specifics. All I’m going to say is that if you open yourself up to the possibility that someone unexpected and seemingly incapable can give you the things that you really didn’t even know you were looking for, you might be pleasantly surprised. I was.
To have a friend that you can trust with the deepest parts of you, your darkest and brightest secrets, your wildest thoughts and your highest dreams is invaluable. Even if he doesn’t know that he is encouraging you to discover all these things.
We aren’t dating. Not even close. And we probably never will.
But he is my friend. And he is encouraging me to live life on a level I never thought I could. And he might never know how valuable that is to me. He makes me laugh so hard sometimes I think I’m gonna stop breathing, he tells me about his life and trusts me with his thoughts. And I trust him with mine and I let him into those places I think I can’t talk about, like my Dad. And my brokenness. He’s a good friend. So far he’s been pretty safe. I don’t know if it’ll be like that forever. But it’s like that for now and I’m greatful. I might at some point get attached. And he might “break my heart”. And that would suck. But there is something about living through those experiences that reminds you that you are alive. People get their hearts broken everyday. It’s what you do with that experience that defines you as a person, not the experience itself.
And this is the difference he has made in my life. Being okay with the right now and not living so far in advance that I can’t appreciate what’s happening right in front of my face.
Who knew that he would be the one to teach me?
Sometimes God works though people in mysterious ways. And sometimes it’s hard to see him in situations that appear rather far away from Him.
So here’s to learning ho w to trust, how to live in the moment, and how to be okay with being late.
Sometimes it’s not okay to be late. But with this stuff it IS okay. It happens when you are ready and in a place where you can handle it and accept it.
I appreciate him, but more importantly I appreciate my willingness to grow to a place where I can fully accept the experience of knowing him. That’s the biggest reward in this. I tried to keep men out my whole life and I’d sit and complain and wonder why “no one wanted me.” The truth is I didn’t really want them. And I made no attempt to figure things out other wise. So now I’m figuring.
And he’s there to remind me that it’s never too late.