Today I'm feeling funny. Not haha funny. But not necisarily a bad kind of funny. Just funny.

Somtimes I wish I had listened to my 12th grade english teacher about going to school right after high school. I should've. I should've gone into nursing. I would've been good at it. And I'd look cute in scrubs. I'd get those cute patterned ones and I work with kids. Yep. Sigh.
did I make the right choice? Am I in the right place? Living? Working? What do I really want? I don't feel very sure any more.
I know I'm only 22 and there's still time. But I always feel like I'm running on a clock that's about to run out of batteries.
I guess all there's left to do is pray.

On a more funny, funny, note- the other day I was going through a drive through and as I rolled my window down, the power locks on my car unlocked themselves. strange...
So naturally I re-locked them and rolled my window back and and tried it again.
Same thing. They unlocked.
Naturally I continued doing that over and over and over until I heard a clunk and something falling from the mid section of my drivers side door to the bottom. Inside the door. So while waiting for my food I opened and closed the door about 10 times and sure enough something is clunking around in there.
Peice of junk.
Honestly a brand new car (well 3 years old) and crap is falling off inside my door? Honestly.

Nothing much is going on other then that, except I'm excited there was a panty sale on at Lasenza today and my crushes continue on Mr Remple (Simon's taekwondo teacher-I know that sport is usually dorky but lemme tell you- when they put on those fancy uniforms and do those spin kick things, or use those big shiny sticks and twirl them around...wow...wow...) and of course Zach Braff. I love him. I can't stop watching Scrubs (I'm starting season 3 this weekend) and I loved Garden State and The Last Kiss. He's actually not all that attractive, but he's really intellengent and the way he writes in his blog, it like I wish his words were a blanket and I could jsut wrap myself up in them. It's jsut nice to know that there are guys out there who think like me. Not all hope is lost.

Anyway, I'm off to watch Talledega nights-love Will Ferral. then off to bed and back to the grind. I'm feeling overwhelmed and unsure but I know there's a plan. All I have to do is show up.

love to all.- except that girl that gets to do love scenes with Zach Braff on scrubs all the time I think her name is britney-I've never gotten along with any britneys...
okay.
even her.


Lisa

"His life was like this magnificant opera. But you only got short bursts of vibrant performances. Little glimpses of what was really there, " he said as he looked at his best friend of over 30 years, laying in his hospital bed, sleeping with the aid of every pain medication avaliable to him and not able to speak. He was dying and there was nothing anyone could do for him anymore but tell him what he was to them while he was alive. He leaned in and took his limp hand. "And soon it won't be preformed anymore." Silence and a stare between them as if his eyes were open and no one else was in the room. Secrets traded in a glance not returned. "That's the price we pay my friend."

I didn't know what he meant by that at first and then later it made sense. The man in the bed had lived a life beyond what any of us who knew him could've imagined. And it was true. He only let us in to bits and peices. A few simple yarns that he wove with such extravagence that one could imagine the most beautiful multicoloured afghan that flowed in the wake of every place he visited. Of course there were some darker threads. Some he may have wished he never chose. But it all added to the beauty of it in the end. And this was the end. This is the end.

A man I love is dying tonight. He might not die tonight or even tomorrow. But he is in the process. I am grieving and I am feeling guilt for not being more present in his last days of conciousness. I'm trusting God to be with him and to forgive me for what I feel I need forgivness for. This man, we'll call him "Walt" once said to me, "Why do you do what you do at this house (House of Hesed), how do you do it? How can you love undesirables like us?" I said, "First of all, no one here is undesirable. And second if I ever do need help in that department, I dunno, I guess Jesus helps me. He's the one who told me to come and work here."
Walt said, "Well, if that's the truth then I need to get to know Jesus a little better. If He can bring an angel like you to someone like me, then I think He's worth getting to know."
Oh my dear Walt. If only you knew what an angel you are to me.
He travelled all over the world. He met so many people. With a home in Africa and a family there, and a home in Western Canada and a Forest watch Tower he made his own, and a base in Winnipeg where he was born and raised. He was intellegent but never tried to make you feel dumb. He was travelled, but never tried to make you feel unworldly. He loved my bananna bread and he liked to watch football and hockey. He loved to take pictures. Not because of the art but because of the information they stored. Who had been there and what was going on.
He had a past and it was dark. And I only wish he had felt freed of it long before his death was near. Cancer has ravaged his body. Pain stole his freedom.
There are so many people in this world that couldn't give half of what Walt did. Yet they are walking the streets, hurting themselves, hurting other people, and Walt is dying. He won't get back to Africa to see his family. He won't get back to his tower to visit his collegues. Not in the life. But in the new life Jesus has for him I pray he'll be able to so all those things all at once. I know he's not dead yet. But the truth is he's already gone. He's afraid of death but he knows Jesus is waiting for him. He's going to talk to Him soon. And then the deal will be done. And I pray he'll be there to greet me when I walk off the stage for the final time.

His breaths were laboured and he drew them in and out. Quiet for a moment or two, forcing my heart into my throat and then quickly beating it back down as I heard him breath in again. No water, he'll choke. I have to cup his ear. He can only lie on one side you see, and if I can relieve the pressure if only for a few minutes. It will help. I've got to rinse his mouth out. It's okay Walt. It's okay now.
And the growth on the back of his head. The thing that killed him still thrives and grows. So God will take him to a place where it can't grow anymore.
Twitching. Tired. Sadness. Happiness. Wonder. "How will Jesus find me?"
"Jesus knows where you are. He will come and meet you."

He already has.
He walks the halls of our house. He walks the halls of your hospital. He walks around the foot of your bed. He lays beside you and weeps for your pain. Jesus has already found you. He's already holding your hand.
And I will hold it too. For now and for always. For you have given me a world of knowledge that I don't think I can explain to others and I don't think I have to. I will carry you in my heart until we meet again. Please tell Him I said hello. Please be present in my life even when I can't see you. Please rest. In Jesus.

Amen.