Sometimes I watch T.V shows and think my life could fit into that little digitalized box pretty easily. AI'm pretty positive people would watch. They do already-even though I'm not even on T.V...yet...I'm not meaning to sound cocky about the interest level my life achieves but honestly it's true. My life could be a T.V show whether I like it or not. I've learned how to turn that into something mroe positive then negative though. It used to be pretty negative.
It was like a black hole of drama. I figured that out shortly after I turned 18. I was working for a professional baseball team by day and by night I was partying and living it up. It was such a great life for that age, well I used to think it was anyway. It was great for about a year. Then it all started to fall apart. I learned alot about the world of professional sports- it's very much like a soap opera. It never really changes, but it never really stays the same. The characters are consistent and the fact that their behaviors will cause tons of problems for themselves and the people around them is inevitable. But the supporting roles are always changing. You either love that life or grow to hate it. I grew to hate it and pushed it away before it really did any damage. I still don't know exactly what happened in the summer of 2004 to change the way I thought. But I knew there were lies involved, I lost friends, so I quit my job and I moved on. It wasn't too good to last, it was just to volitile to continue the way it was unless I conformed. I chose not to.
My life continued. The drama of it all had died down for a bit. Everday things still happened but I wouldn't describe them as life altering-nothing that would make me stop a car in the middle of a busy street and pay attention.
So God did it for me.
I was in a car accident in May 2005 that changed the way I looked at things again.
I had just come back from a friends wedding. The weekend was full of drinking and things I'd rather not admit that I did or said. It's just not who I am now. Anyway I was cruising along a busy street, I was late to get to work. I was eating an apple, had the cd player going, it was a rainy day. Then I looked up and saw a red light. I went to move my foot from the gas to the break when my flip-flop sandal was caught underneath the pedal. I coasted into the intersection and sat in the drivers seat while I was hit on the passenger's side of my vehical by a mini van spinning me into oncoming traffic where I was hit again by another mini van. I sat there when my vehical came to a stop, my hands on the wheel. My foot on the break. I heard God say your life is out of control. You are a car wreck waiting to happen. This is your wake up call. Get it together.
I just sat there.
A woman came to my window, she opened my door and asked me if I was okay. I said I thought so, I was clearly in shock. She said it was a miracle that I wasn't hurt. I didn't even have wiplash. Then she asked me if she could pray for me. And I said yes.
I was pretty annoyed with her at the time, I had more important things to worry about. How I was gonna make up for the day's lost pay, how my mum was gonna react, what was I going to drive for the next few weeks? Could my car even be reapired? God saved me because he wanted to see a change.
And the change didn't happen in me right away. But the seed was planted. And it did begin to grow. This past summer it grew so much that it pushed the remaining negative drama out of my life. It was painful. I wish there could've been other ways to do it. But God was there. He knew what was best. And now I'm better for it. I don't have bad drama anymore, the self inflicted kind. Just regular stuff. I don't keep people around who will try to hurt me. I'm learning to stand up for myself. I'm learning to see people for who they really are, not who I want them to be. And I'm asking them to do the same for me.
I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy last night, one that I had missed during my unbelievable bout of sickness...down for 4 days with a cold like you wouldn't believe...I love that show almost as much I love Dog the Bounty Hunter- not as much...but close...anyway, I love the way the script flows as the characters interact. The dialogue is so clever at times. Without boring you with too much detail there was a conversation between 2 women that sparked my interest. A doctor had cheated on her husband with another doctor. Their marriage eventually ended and now the doctor she had cheated with was coming to work at the hospital she worked in. She didn't know what to do. So her friend said "You can do 2 things. For starters, keep your knees together when he's around. and second, don't let your life be defined by any man."
Nice. On both counts.
Don't let your life be defined by any one thing. We are all wonderful melting pots of spirituality, culture, personalities, images, thoughts, prayers, experience, and dreams.
My life will not be defined by drama or negativity. It will not be defined by my past. It will not be defined by my mistakes. It will not be defined by anyone who tries to give it definition.
Even me.
I had a blueprint before I was born. We all do. And no matter where you think it comes from it's there. We are prediposed to greatness. We can choose to accept it, or choose to leave it behind to wonder what we could've been.
Have you ever felt like a spectator in your own life? Like no matter how hard you try other people always know what's best, or put words in your mouth, or assume things. Frustrating. I still feel that way sometimes. But it's just not true. I think I can get by just fine if I trust someone and they hurt me. It'll suck, but I can pick up the peices and move on. I can find reason to it, maybe not allow it to happen again but I can forgive it and walk away. As long as
I'm not doing the hurting. As long as
I am concious enough to respect others and live a good solid life of truth and service.
I think I'll be okay.
Tune in next time.
