Summer at clear lake!!
Deanna, Me, Jamie, and Meaghan!


God is SO GOOD!

Seriously I want to yell it out to everyone right now.

GOD IS SO GOOD!

First of all, I went o my first drag queen show last night, holy moly, some of those "girls" looked better then "real" women!!!
I was amazed at the glamour and the quick wit and the fashion sense they have.

I was saddened by the pain they are running from.

One of them told me she that dressing up saved her because she could go from being this sad, scared, lonely person to living what ever life she wanted. She could tell people anything she wanted, do what she wanted. She created a whole new life for her self. She escaped. How sad, to not have anyone or anything in your life to turn to. How sad not to have a healthy way to express yourself.

I had fun with them, I loved watching them perform and I even had a song dedicated to me! But at the end of the night I was feeling very sad. I guess I just soaked up all their pain like a sponge. I was feeling physically sick to the point where my head was foggy and I felt almost like I couldn't drive home. I know now, that that happened because I had been praying for them while I was there and I was under attack from the enemy. How scarry to think he has that kind of power. Not as strong as God's though. thank you Jesus.

I'm so blessed to have the people I have in my life.

Kenn- I'm so amazed at your journey, I think I've had struggles, but I am so humbled when I think of all that you have been through. Thank you for being so loving and calm and funny and honest. I appreciate so many things about you. I thank God for your transformation not only because your life is on the right path now, but also because you are able to bless so many people simply by being you.

Moe- When I think of all the people I've worked with and all the places I've been I find it impossible to think of one person who has impacted my life the way you have. I know you say I bless you, but you allow and encourage me to find my giftings with which I am able to bless. I admire your strength and your honesty your love and compassion and your way of always loving me and affirming my faith. I used to think I had done so many rotten things in my life that I didn't deserve good things, but I must've done something right to blessed with a friend, boss and mentor like you.

I fixed things with my best friend. God opened up a cave in my heart that I didn't even know I had been concelaing. I told alot of truths tonite that I didn't even know I was keeping from her and from myself. Thank you Jesus for being the breath in my lungs, the thoughts in my mind and the words in my mouth.

I'm going to bed now, finally, after a really long but fruitful day.

I'm just feeling so blessed.

"If you love it, let it go."

WHAT??? What sense does that make? If you love it let it go? What if I love it and I CAN'T let it go? What happens then? Does that mean I don't love it enough? Or for the right reasons?

I've been fighting to keep this friendship amidst all the change in both our lives. I'm the only one really without a relationship, or who hasn't dated or anything and I jsut always get left behind...well not always...well mostly, because people get busy and they forget. This sucks.

My best friend of 6 years just ditched me again for her boyfriend and I'm so tired of fighting. I'm just done. I don't wanna give up, Lord please give me grace but I'm just so hurt and I can't stop thinking that this isn't right. Am I supposed to be a door mat? Is forgivness a doormat? I'm tired of making myself feel like an outsider jsut because I don't have a boyfriend or whatever. That's such a sick excuse. You are a friend, and as a friend one of the basic principles is to be around when you say you're gonna be. I can't stand feeling anger. Mostly I can't stand someone not caring enough to beg me not to be angry. I know that's silly. But when I realize I'm wrong I lay things down at people's feet just like I lay them down on Jesus' cross and most of the time, I don't get the same passion back.

Where is the passion?

I love it too much to let it go.
I dont' wanna cry cause I just did my make up. Oh I'm such a girl sometimes...
Please Lord, don't make me let this go.

I'm hurting and I'm angry and I'm confused and I'm betrayed. I don't even know why I'm writing all this down, I guess it's a prayer. Lord give me grace. I am not perfect and I can't expect others to be. Lord soften my heart. Grant me a fraction of the ability you have to forgive. I don't want to feel anger. I don't want to feel this stuff it's just not how I want to live my life. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep bending. I think I just broke.

I guess I don't have to let go- but I need to let God.

It's His. I'm faithful, trusting, and now I'm waiting. Divine intervention is the only thing that can save this now. I jsut really don't WANT to let it go.

So now I'm going out. Alone. But with Jesus. He's a the best date anyone could ask for anyway. :)

I'll start with a picture I tookm in Venice, Italy in the spring, I LOVE that place, LOVE LOVE LOVE it, didn't like Rome as much, but Venice was the perfect size town for me...lots of cute little nuns too! Sorry I didn't know how to get rid of the time at the bottom right side fo the picture...Ken? Any ideas?? :)

My mind has been just spinning lately! on nothing in particular, I suppose it's partly because I have all this time to think, I've never been on my own in a house for so long, in so many ways I'm such a "kid"!! It's not that I don't like it, it's nice being alone to contemplate life and talk to God, but I'm lonely. Not really for anyone in particular, just lonely in general. Story of my life.
*cue the saddest and smallest violin in the world*.
People say I'm too young to worry about being lonely. I don't think you're ever too young or too old to feel something like that. It's real and it is what it is. So tonight I'm lonely. Besides I think it would be worse being with someone and being lonely.

Yep. I think that's worse.

So my mind was spinning when I got home, I was reading flyers which I shouldn't do because all I do is think about all the things I wanna buy, which is bad cause I'm NOT GOING TO DO THAT ANYMORE!!! haha...I've got too much stuff....honestly you should see my collection of hand bags...so I was just praying, and reading flyers...bizarre combo, jsut goes to show you prayer doesn't always take place on your knees...and I felt like reading the bible, so I picked it up and it was marked at this verse,Proverbs 3:1-12, which basically talks about trusting God and His word and giving everything up to Him, and then I get to 12 and it says "For whom loves the Lord he reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights. How blessed is the man who finds wisdom And the man who gains understanding. For her profit is better then the profit of silver And her gain is better than fine gold."
I thought of a friend as I read it, it goes onto to talk about how wealthy faith and wisdom and and honesty make you. Even though it doesn't pay the bills. I think I'd rather be all those things then filthy stinkin rich and sleeping on a bed of money...
Did I just say that?
Yep. I did. Things have changed.

Amen. Honestly. Sometimes I struggle to get a grasp on the bible even though I know there's tons of good stuff in there, I guess I've just always based my realtionship with my Father on our talks and my prayers and manifestations of that intimacy. Anyway, it was a cool God moment and I'm thankful for it.

Tomorrow night I'm going to a drag show. Yep, little ol' country hick, innocent Lisa is going to watch drag queens. A friend of mine is in the show and he invited me to go. I'm going to take my pal Deanna with me...anyone else wanna go? Safety in groups!! I'm sure it'll be safe, just another step I'm taking outside of my comfort zone.

Something jsut popped into my mind so I guess I'll write about it.

My mum was dating this guy a year or so ago. I didn't like him from the start. I didn't get along with him or his kids. I found out he had a really brutal past and some history with behaviors that were disturbing to me at the time. I used to think that those were the reasons I didn't like him. He went through this program called Living Waters, which is a really great program that helps people deal with sexual brokeness, whatever that means for that individual. It could be a variety of things. I now work the Ministry that runs that program now, and I used to think it was a farce because I knew he went through it but was still acting on his harmful behaviors. I should learn more about that program. I should ask more questions. If it was a farce I don't think it was the program's fault and I don't think it was because God wasn't trying to heal him. I just feel confused about it sometimes.
I didn't feel that way towards him because of his past. I think I felt that way towards him because he wasn't healed and was involving my mum. And besides that he was a total leech money and home wise. Anyway I dunno why that popped into my head but while I'm in the business of forgiving...
I forgive him. I might need to say this a few more times before it's really true...but I forgive him for his weakness and I'm thankful that he's not in our lives anymore. I hope God really heals him and that his faith is not just words an manipulation but is honest and real. I pray he will be a better father to his kids. I haven't judged the other people I've met who've gone through what he's gone through. But it's just kind of always in the back of my mind. I worry that I'm being a hypocrit. Maybe I just need to ask more questions.
At any rate.. I'm thankful that my mum is taking steps to be a strong independant woman and I forgive her for anything she needs forgiveness for.
I dunno why that popped out. I guess that's the magic of blogs... :)

Goodnight cyberworld!

L.

Another night on my own, eating a quiet dinner in the midst of my xmas projects which have eaten up the dinner table for the time being....it's so quiet here.

Today I caught myself talking out loud to God and thought how strange would it be if someone came to the door or peeped in the window (it IS the North End...) and saw mw chatting away to myself...then I thought about it for a bit, and stopped caring.

I was going out to meet a friend and thought I'd leave some lights on and shut the blinds so people would think we were home, although I guess it doesn't matter.. (again, it IS the North End...) and when I shut the last blind I paused to look around the room. And I remembered something. The last time I saw these blinds all closed like this was a very special day in my life. It was the day Hannah (the littelest Eheler) was born. What a day it was.

Instantly I was transported back. I remember that day so clearly. It was so hot on June 30th, 2006, I could hardly stand it. That thick kind of heat that makes it feel funny to walk through. Like you could swim in it.

I remember seeing all the blinds shut and a tye-dyed curtain covering the window of our front door. And I thought to myself, a baby is being born in there. What a thought. In our living room in a pool... (I'd already gotten over that, trust me it makes sense now that I know about having babies..)that little girl took her first breath in the house I live in. I held her when she was 20 minutes old.

My life changed that day.

She was so perfect and little. Theresa (her mum) was tired but so happy. The midwives were running around measuring and checking things and then in all the kaos Jason asked me if I wanted to hold her, didn't wait for an answer and she was in my arms. I've never felt like that before. I think the only time I'll ever feel more connected to God is if and when I hold my own babies. Thank you Jesus for that moment. I'll carry it in my heart for the rest of my life.

I kept the blinds shut when I got home. I think I'll just keep them shut for a little while to remind me of what a miracle it is that we exist, and how we got to be that way. I'm so blessed.

I love it when things are new. The way they smell, the way they feel. Untouched and unused, unbroken, unscarred, unscathed. Just as they were created to be.
Yeah, I like new.
So much room for expectation, so much room for interpretation. So much room when things are new. No mistakes, no I'm sorry's, nothing to clean, nothing to fix, happy endings are possible. There's a shine and a shimmer to the world, the sky is a little bit bluer, the sun a little bit brighter, the annoying things aren't so annoying. Things are good. Things are promising. Things are new. So you start.

Then what?

It goes one of two ways. You either keep the rose coloured glasses, or they fall off.

I found myself lecturing a friend today on seeing things as they really are, not how we'd like them to be. I wish I was just talking about a purse or a pair of sneakers, trust me I can have just as much if not more love for those things then the men I've been involved with in my life...
But I was talking about a boy. A boy who made her think he loved her and then left her in the dust of her own dreams.
Jerk.
What is it with people that think they can just play with someone's emotions? You can't just go to someone when YOU need them, what about when THEY need YOU? And how did society's definition of love get so blurred that girls think that because a guy says you're hot or has a lot in common with you that that means you are in love and "meant to be".
Lord, I wish it were that easy. It was when we were fifteen. All we had to do was look up the vitals on our favourtie boy bander from BackStreet Boys or Nsync and we were set- as long as they liked blue, ate corn pops, and sang lots of "I love yous" we were good to go.
Not anymore. Real life doesn't work that way. Just look at the divorce rate.
Truth is I think I'm a big hypocrite sometimes. There's always that one person that you find it really difficult to let go of. My problem is that I've held back and let that person walk away and then felt both guilt and loss. At least my pal only feels the loss.
But at any rate it hurts. She wonders why she always goes back to that same guy and tries to make things work. I'm not exactly sure why that is. I think it's cause some people want so badly to be needed. I know I do. I need people to need me. Because I'm still searching for that missing peice of confidence in myself, and in Jesus, I look to other people.
She asked me why God would do this to her. I told her it wasn't God. It was the other guy. She got quiet. Then she asked how he could know this would make her feel this way. I told her he's been doing stuff like this to people for centuries. As soon as you get close to God he pulls you away. It's what he does. I think she agreed with me. But Jesus isn't cool to some people yet. How can you trust something that isn't right in front of you, when everything that IS right infront of you has let you down? Good question.
*Lisa looks up to the ceiling* "Got an answer for it?"
Pray. Right. Keep on keepin' on.
How did life get so complicated? How did we let things get so crazy? What in heaven's name seemed good enough at the time to walk away from things we'd dreamed about when we were little girls? I'm taking that back.

I'm a princess dang it and I'm gonna find me a prince charming.

One who opens doors, loves my smile, loves God, and makes me feel safe. One who loves my mum, puts up with my sister, and includes my friends. One who wants kids, has a good job, and likes to live above the poverty line but not enough that we're spoiled. One who likes the outdoors, travel, sports, and the arts, especially music. One who loves animals, likes to cook, encourages me to see the members of my family that drive me bonkers, wants to live in a refinished house filled with antiques we bought for $20.00 at an auction. one who doesn't make fun of me when I cry at almost every movie, one whose understanding of my messed up childhood, one who can calm me down with jsut one look, a good dresser, a intellegent thinker, and a good friend. Phew. I don't think I've put all that down on paper before... I think I met him once. Maybe he'll come back. But if not, I'm sure the one for me is out there. God wouldn't put this pain in my heart if it wasn't going to equal something. So I'm open. I'm accepting resumes... :)

To my pal- some day you will see yourself as the beautiful creature God created. We are created in His image and even though you might not believe yet, He shines through your good heart and your warm smile. I'm sorry Devin wasn't what you needed him to be. I'm sorry he's not what you want him to be. I'm sorry you keep getting hurt. I promise things will get better. God promises things will get better. Just don't shut your heart off from the world. We'd all be losing out if you did that. Don't invest yourself in someone that doesn't love you for who you are, and at the same time encourages you to be better then you ever thought you could be. He doesn't know what love means. Lots of people don't. But there are men out there that do.

New things don't stay new. They wear away. They get scratched, scuffed, and torn. But some things are better quality then others and can stand the tests of time, weather and wear. Those are the things God has for you. Those are the things that won't break you. They'll bend you and test you and sometimes they'll need TLC and repair. But they will always be what they were intended to be. A favourite t-shirt you can't part with, a keepsake from a trip, a memory from your childhood. An old friend that turns into something more. Someone from your past that resurfaces. Sometimes I like worn in things better. They have much more flavour and history. Yep, the ones that last are definitly what they were intended to be.

A lifetime of a good thing.

I pray that for all of us.

L.

I'm sick today. Stuffy, extra tired, feeling lazy, ears plugged throat sore, sick.
So I decided to "pick myself up" by looking through my Europe pictures.

This one is for everyone who LOVES Napoleon Dynamite...

I took this picture just outside of Berlin, Germany last spring. I was riding the train with my pal Meaghan when I saw this guy, falling asleep on the bus who WAS Napoleon...honestly it took us forever cause we had to take it without him knowing, I mean I guess we could've said something but everyone over there we tried to talk to about Napoleon Dynamite had no clue what we were talking about...
And meaghan's camera made all these beeping noises when we took pictures so I had to figure out how to shut that off, he opened his eyes right after we took it so I'm sure he knew we were taking it, and you can't see it in this shot, but he's wearing big black boots JUST LIKE NAPOLEON!!!

Here it is for you to enjoy!!!



So I miss Europe, alot. It was so fun there. Sometimes when I think back on it I can't believe I saw the things I saw. We were in England, Italy, Switzerland, Germany, Poland, and SCotland. I wanna go back. BADLY. But all in good time I suppose. I'm still paying off the trip I took last spring! Anyway I'll post some more pics of the trip, most people haven't seen them cause I still have them on CD. Maybe in a year or two I'll go back, at least to England to see my family. Anyway I need to get back to bed now, I've been sleeping ALL DAY, boy does it feel good!
Here's one more Napoleon shot for the road- this was in east Berlin where we stayed just outside the train station.

*sigh* I miss the baby smell...

Well I'm alone for 10 days. Well not alone really, goodness knows I couldn't do that. My pal and partner in crime Jamie will be coming to stay with me for a break from her family, to fill in the spaces left empty by my vacationing "family", and to get a test run in for us living together.
I'm very excited. Soemtime in the very near future I might get to do a very grown up thing....move out with my friends!



Princess Maiya with a royal hairdo!


But in the meantime my kidlettes are gone and I'm a bit sad. They left me with their cold to remember them by though so that was thoughtful...
I got a message saying they got into Calgary tonight after leaving the house at 4am. I was awake to see them off, they left me with some grocery money, the nessicary phone numbers and some great hugs. I miss all of them. I especially miss Hannah. She can't talk back yet and never throws tantrums...I've been feeling a bit tired lately from those, but it's an awesome platform to learn from and Jay and Theresa are the best teachers I could ask for.


Hannah

Anywho I'm off to bed in my all too quiet house...it's so weird not waking up to crying....here goes...

Day One...


My Ayda

L.