So much has been whirling around me lately. Work is insanely busy. Friends keep me insanely busy. Everything is busy. Then there are times when it all stops. I stop in my tracks and take a look around me. It's like one of those scenes in a movie where everything is going by really really fast, so fast that's it's blurry and the character is completely clear and jsut watches everything go by.
On Tuesday everything stopped.
My friend died. He had cancer. I loved him and he is not here anymore to talk to. I can't tell him my stories, I can't hear his. I can't sit and watch him read the paper. I can't make him lunch. He can't make me laugh. And I'm feeling selfish and I'm mad. Why does cancer get to take people from us? Why did it take someone from me?
It wasn't the first. It won't be the last.
There are waves of feeling like I'm okay with it. And waves of total devistation. The thing is, when he left he took a peice of my heart with him. I guess it evens out though, cause I like to think he left a peice of his here with me. i was in his room the other day. I was looking for some paper work. I looked around at his things. I opened his closet and I wanted to go inside and sit at the bottom of it and not get out. I wanted to be that little girl who doesn't have to be strong and can jsut be completely enveloped in her emotions. And sometime sI am that girl. But I can't be now. Not yet. there are other who depend on me and my life must keep going. The guilt will leave me and I will continue, wiser, stronger, and more thankful then ever before.
We don't sign on for death in this life. But it is truly part of the journey. It's far from the end.
Sometimes I close my eyes and I can feel him, and hear him laughing and joking and I can see his face, still so vividly. I don't ever want that to fade. Time will be the theif of that someday soon. But the feeling I got when I was around him is something I'll never forget.
Death sucks.
But life doesn't.
And I wouldn't have traded having him in my life for anything. Even if it was only for 8 months.

Peace to you "Walter". I will see you again someday. I hope you are where you want to be, where ever it is that you missed the most. But please, don't go too far from my heart or mind.
Thank you for who you were and what you taught me. And I promise. We're all going to be okay. Even if you're passing has left a noticeble hole. Light will shine through it.
Somehow, it always does.

and the beat goes on... (in the words of Cher)

the beat goes ona nd so continues my obession with the series "Scrubs". Most of you who read this blog make fun of me for it but I'd like to point out I don't "give a 'rip". Stop being negative Nancys and Rude Judes. We can all enjoy the talents of Zach Braff- I won't share him in real life but you can watch the box sets all you want.

In other news there was this guy on the radio the other day who called in to give a "shout out".. that's this thign they do around 5pm everyday so everyone can get their birthday anniversary yadda yadda blah blee bloo stuff all out at once. So this guy phones in and he's like, "yah I'd like to give a shout out to my Uncle Cleatus (his name wasn't cleatus, but that makes this story so much better) whose in the hospital.
WHAT??

"Yeah man, I just hope you make it out and I love you."

okay- so many problems with this- so your uncle is in the hospital and the best thing you can think of to do for him is give him a shout out on 5pm radio?
Does he even have a radio?
I assume he doesn't. In which case was it really necissary to phone in? Couldn't anyone jsut tell their loved one "yah I like, totally gave you a shout out man, yah."
Weirdos.

Speaking of weirdos I've discovered I have a new trend I'd like to set. Car dancing. Yep. I remember one time I saw a guy driving along in his SUV and he was jsut given'r...I think he was conducting, but still he had MOVES! I really like to do it at night when no one can see, but sometimes when I hear a catchy tune I jsut can't help myself- broad daylight or cover of darkness I'm gonna do it. You should too.

Anyway, it's late and I'm off to bed. and remember- if it flashes like a speed camera on Mountain it probably is a speed camera and if it flashes you probably got a ticket and getting your hot friend to attempt to flirt your way out of it probably is going to cause you more trouble then it's worth.
oh and if you're out shopping and you really have to let out some gas (like after you've eaten like 10 sweet chili wings at Billabong) you can totally pull it off in a hippie type herbal store. They totally think it's the earthy smell of a new kind of tea.
done it.
ha.

Lisa