I lost it yesterday.

I had a great day, although I was really tired as I hadn't gotten to bed until about 3:30am the night before and had no time for a nap...*sigh* So I went to work, went to a friends to exchange gifts, went home and picked up my Mum's dog and went back to work for Christmas dinner. It was awesome, the food was great, the people are, as always, amazing. I had fun.
I had a conversation with a friend about some family stuff. It's interesting how it's so easy for people in our families to judge our lives. When we are fallen away from God they judge us for the choices we make. When we fall back into God they judge us for that too. for some people there is no happy medium. They don't understand relying on something they can't see and trusting the unseen with everything in our lives. They don't understand having God as our father, even if we have totally functional earthly fathers. They don't understand giving everything up to God and living for His will and not for your own.
I'm honestly saddened for those people.
Sometimes living in Christ can be so much harder then people think. He drives you to places you would never go on your own, and brings things to the surface you'd either just as soon forget, or have tried to pretend they never happened in the first place. You are persecuted, ridiculed, and cookie cut. It's not easy telling people what Jesus has done in your life. People who have don't have faith don't understand it. They don't understand forgiveness or grace.
I've had some really crappy family stuff happen in the past. There was a period of time where I dind't talk to my sister for a year. I'm not entirely sure why because I don't have lots of memories from that period. But I do know that I was angry. She pushed all my buttons and knew just what to say and do to make me crack. She tried to be my parent. She thought because mine weren't functional, I needed it. But I didn't. I needed her to be my sister. Not my Mum.
I mentioned it casually last night becuase my grandmother had said to me on Christmas eve after I remarked how much I missed my sister, "Remember when you couldn't stand each other?" So I was laughing about it. I'd gotten over it. It was done. But she got upset. And hung up the phone sounding very curt. I was confused about it.
She phoned back about 20 minutes later and said she was upset because I never apologized for hurting her. We had never talked about it. We had just moved on. So I told her I was sorry. She had hurt me too. She said she was sorry. But I honestly think that she still blames me for the breakdown in communication. I know it wasn't all my fault. It was at least 50-50. But because some people don't have faith and grace I think it makes it more difficult for them to see that THEY have wrongdoings as well, mostly because they don't believe in the idea of "sin". I'm much more forgiving then I used to be. I realized all the things Jesus forgave me for and I guess I felt, and still feel like that's the most important thing. forgiveness from Jesus. Society makes us feel like it's not enough. So when Satan stops punishing us, because we stop giving him the power and give it over to God, we are so conditioned to the punishment that we do it to ourselves. We are our own worst enemy. And Satan loves that.
I'm not going to walk around feeling guilty about my past. Truth is I'm sorry she was hurt, but I'm not sorry that those events took place. There was a reason to it. There are so many things I would change or re-arrange but I can't and I won't. I am who I am now because of it and anyone who wants to walk this journey with me in fullness is welcome. I had to realize last night that there are certain parts of my life, and certain parts of me that my sister can never understand because she doesn't have a "crutch" called faith. And she has never recieved God's grace. I hope one day she will. But if she doesn't, my life will go on.
A friend of mine has a really tough past he's been sorting through. he used to identify as gay. I think we were talking about realtionships or something one time, and I said something I regret. I said that I thought a realtionship for him would be something like someone loving him enough to walk with him through his struggles.
I was wrong.
It's not about him.
What makes his stuggles bigger or more difficult to deal with then anyone elses?
His struggles aren't bigger then mine, even though it might seem that way to some people. My struggles are just as bad for me and people I loved as his were for him and his family. He used to identify as gay. SO WHAT? I used to identify as an asshole. What's the difference really? I treated people like crap and dug myself into some really black holes. He probably treated people with respect, honesty, acceptance, and sympathy just like he does now. He was just identifying as gay. And now he doesn't. I'm not trying to minimalize it, but I'm trying to put it into perspective.
Yep. It's a struggle. But we all have them. So get some grace for people and get over it. OR be quiet about it. If you can't forgive them, then keep it to yourself because you being a jerk can seriously affect someone else's life and recovery.
So someone you love made bad choices. You were unaccepting of them. They realized that what they were doing was harmful and then they changed. And you still can't accept them. Sucks to be you. Honestly, people like that are missing out on what God has for them, and what they could build for themselves through realtionships with others.
So I got upset about all this stuff last night and I broke down. I sobbed for almost 30 minutes, just yelling and trying to get some answers from God. I was trying to get to sleep when all of a sudden I got this pain in my chest. Some of it was mine. Some of it was my friends'. And some of it was Jesus' hurt for everyone who hurts. If that was just a fraction of how much He hurts for us, I can't even begin to imagine the pain He feels when we cry. I just cried and prayed and let it all out. I asked for healing for everyone in these situations. I asked for love and acceptance. I asked for manifestations of the Holy Spirit, bringing lines of communication never opened before. I asked for a sense of family.
Family- there are over 20 definitions of this word in Websters Dicationary. I don't agree with any of them. Here's mine.
Family- a group or unit functioning in love and acceptance. A soft place to fall. A helping hand when you need it, or space when you want it. Honesty forth coming from love, Love forth coming from Divine guidance, and faith forth coming from the beliefe that no matter what you do the ties that bind are elastic and not breakable. We bend with eachother.
Sometimes we have to admit that that definition of family is very far removed from the unit we were born into.
But God's hands are all over it.
Thank You Lord for breaking me down to build me back up again. Thank You for the journey you have set my feet upon. Hard, windy, or rocky as it may be, I wouldn't trade the secenery for anything. Thank you for my family in Christ. Thank You that you are more faithful then I will ever be. I pray we are blessed with strength to presevere, honesty and integrity to communicate our thoughts, and discernement to decifer the best road to take.
And please let me have some restful sleep now.
I'm tired of being up until 3:00AM.

Thanks.
For everything.

Lisa