Life is so funny. Honestly. It should go on it’s own stand up comedy tour.

Sometimes you walk along roads that have scenery you’ve seen before. But you forgot about it. So it looks new, but it really isn’t. Sometimes you see things through new eyes. But that doesn’t mean that what you’re looking at is any different then anything you’ve ever seen before.
sorry for being cryptic.

Why does life inevitably boil down to uncomfortable conversations? And why can’t I get past it when they do? I think it’s cause I always internalize and make myself believe that everything is my fault. That I am the sole cause of uncomfortableness. From me, originates everything that doesn’t make people feel good.

Yeah, I really gotta work past that.

I try to go about things as honestly as possible. I still have walls to break down and building blocks to reconstruct. Sticking points for me seem to be male and female friendships. I’m really good at female to female friendships. But somehow I get lost on the male ones. I think that maybe I say too much and then end up not saying enough. Lately I‘ve tried to treat relationships with guys like relationships with girls. Bad. Bad. Very Bad.
I usually won’t say anything or talk about deeper feelings then friendship unless I am 100 percent positive that what I feel is genuine and not messed up in other things. I wait until I am certain I am not confusing friendship with passion. I wait and I talk to God. I’ve stopped rushing things.

But now I got rushed.

I hate putting things into a box, this is “this” kind of relationship this is “that” kind. But I’ve realized that men just are not like women. I cannot relate to them in the same way that I relate to my girlfriends, no matter how much in touch with their emotions they are because they will always misunderstand it. And it will always boil down to that uncomfortable conversation that makes me feel like it’s my fault.

“I shouldn’t have done this because he thought that about it.”

“I shouldn’t have said this because it made him think I meant that.”

I’m just tired of figuring out where the balance is. When I say things to people about my feelings or thoughts I honestly mean them at face value. Nothing deeper, nothing hidden. I hid that from people before and it never worked out. I hid it and then people uncovered it and I had to lie about it or tell the truth and I always wound up getting hurt. So I resolved to talk to God and a few good friends and keep it just flowing along. I didn’t feel the need to put anything in a box. But I’m seeing now that that isn’t really possible. You can’t really have friendships with men that aren’t in either the “relationship” or “possible relationship”, or “only friendship” box. It’s black and white. So trust me, from now on I’m STACKED with the boxes. Of every kind. And everything is going in a box. With the lid on it. Tightly.

Maybe God will call me to be single for the rest of my life. Or maybe now that I’ve figured this out, things will start working out the way I wish they would. Either way I’m just tired of all this figuring.
My chest kind of hurts and I’m feeling a lot of things I wasn’t ready for.
But God told me the other day that most of what He needs to do in my life I won’t ever feel ready for. That’s part of trusting Him. It’s so dangerous for me to close myself off or feel like I can’t express myself. But I need to find safe and healthy ways to express my feelings for everyone involved. Unfortunately I can’t just act. I need to think about how it will make the other person feel. I’m just saying I tried really hard this time not to communicate things I didn’t feel or wasn’t sure I felt. But I did it anyways. Damn it.

So I release it, and I pray that these feelings I’m experiencing won’t put up walls that I’ve worked so hard to break down. I just pray that the yucky feelings I have would go away. I wanna stop telling myself it’s all my fault, and I want to appreciate the experience for the honesty and increased friendship it brought and will bring.
It’s gonna be okay. I just have to tell myself that I’ll be okay too.