So alot of people know about this really nasty situation that occured right around my birthday. Actually it was literally on my birthday. I had a party at a friends house, well it was a joint party actually, that went terribly wrong. And I was mostly to blame. It was supposed to be a tame party. It wasn't.

Too much alcohol, too much hot tub, too little food equals too much drama. I let down people I loved. I let myself down. It was really one of those points in your life where you come to a cross roads. I had to choose between drinking and lies or living a better life. I chose the later.

I was feeling pretty comfy in my decision. There were a few changes I needed to make, a few passengers I didn't want coming along for the ride. I took care of business. I took responsibility for my actions, set the record straight with people I cared about and moved on. But there was one person I didn't make amends with because he had moved out of the country. I was okay with that at the time because I thought I wouldn't see him again for a long time and I'd have time to heal, the memories would have time to fade to gray, and things would just be better.

Then 6 weeks later he came back.
And he moved into my house.

Talk about a mistake staring you in the face. Mine was there 24 hours a day 7 days a week and it sucked. I thought if I could just talk it out with him, be honest and give him my side of the story, get some thing off my chest and clear the air it would be better.

I was wrong.

We talked. And it didn't really help. That's when I realized a few things about who he is and a few things about what really matters to me.

It's really not his fault and he's not a bad person. It's just not going to turn out the way I expected it to. He said everything I wanted to hear. Start over, no history, I understand, it's okay...nothing worked. In the process I realized 2 things. First, it doesn't really matter if people choose not to forgive you. It matters that God does and it matters that you forgive yourself. The people who love you and know you will probably always forgive you ( if you truly realize your mistake) because they love you (as long as it's something that is forgivable that is...which depends on the person giving the forgivness). My family and best friends had already forgiven me. I had been working to forgive myself. God had forgiven me. I think that's why the talk didn't make a difference in how I felt. I had already worked through it.
Secondly, sometimes when you meet people you get this picture of them in your mind. In my mind people always tend to be selfless, compassionate, emotionally mature, helpful, responsible, and passionate people. That's not always true. The colours seem to fade when the first crisis hits. Or they get brighter. In this case, they got a little duller, at least to me. I don't think the colours would be dull to everyone. But yet again, me, with my big expectations was dissapointed in the outcome because of what I had dreamed it would be.
The quiet persistance of my dreams. It's a blessing and a curse.
So my mistake still lives in my house. I see it everyday and sometimes I talk to it. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, but lately I've just been feeling more confident in my choices and that God gave me those mistakes to realize something.
I'm not the only one that made mistakes in that situation. I'm just the only one that took full responsibility. Adn tha's okay. Cause I'll be learning and growing and bettering myself as a human being. And isn't that what this life is all about?
I'm sorry that situation hurt people I loved and made them question my intentions. I'm sorry I was friends with people who sold me out and lied to me and about me. I'm sorry that I didn't take action to stop it all.
And now I'm done being sorry. I'm done feeling guilty. I'm done taking responsibilities that aren't mine.
It's not just me in this world. I am not alone in my thoughts. Besides the people I've been blessed with in my life, I have one powerful source that would never leave me alone in my thoughts. Because my thoughts are His thoughts.
I'm closing this chapter and walking away without looking back.
Excuse me for living.

I had this interesting conversation with a beautiful lady at work today. It was about my Dad. Well it didn't start out that way. But like most problems I have in my life it always ends up that somehow I talk about my Dad. So here it goes.

My dad's name is Bob. Well Robert, but people call him Bob. He was as tall as my Mum, with brown hair and blue eyes. He always wore t-shirts with these really worn in blue jeans and a big heavey leather belt. His pockets were always full of change and money. He wore blue jean work shirts over his t-shirts and in those pockets he kept these really fine tipped pens which leaked once and a while. He combed his hair to the right side and wore a blue after shave. Sometimes I can still smell it. He ate alot so he had quite a belly. I was Daddy's little girl in a lot of ways. I was always trying to please him and was a bit of a tom boy in someways because of it. I went with him to alot of his friends houses and to work on Saturdays. We'd always get hot chocolate and Bacon and Eggers from A&W and I'd go into the school where he worked as a custodian and play in the gym or help him do stuff. He had lots and lots of friends. He smoked probably close to if not more then a pack a day. He knew everything about fixing things. Electrical, Plumbing, Cars. And if he didn't know then he knew someone who did.
But my Dad couldn't fix his addiction to alchohol. And he didn't want to get to know anybody who did.

So i couldn't fix my Dad. I still can't. But there's a part of me that needs fixing and I'm not exactly sure how or who can fix it. He didn't seem to know the answer to that one either. And then there's my Mum. she has to work in her retirement now cause my Dad took half her pension. But worse still, she can't grow old with the man she loved because he grew to love something else more then her. Alcohol.
And my older sister. Who struggled all through her growing years because my Dad treated her horribly. They had a way worse realtionship then he and I did. But strangly enough she's the one that still has the relationship with him. I have no idea how that happened. I know she has her reasons. And I think I may be starting to understand them.

When I was 13 I told my Dad if he didn't get treatment I couldn't see him anymore. I didn't feel safe with him and I started to feel tons of anger towards him for what he had done- or hadn't done- to our family. I wrote lots of letters. I think my Mum still has them, sopies of them but I don't really want to read them. I wrote them out of anger and sadness. I still get angry sometimes but I'm mostly sad about it. I changed my last name when I was 16. I was born Lisa Jean Siwek. Now I'm Lisa Jean Melnick. It made me feel a bit better at the time. I guess I was trying to hurt him like he hurt me, not realizing that wasn't possible.
He wrote me out of his will about 1 year ago.
I guess he was getting me back.
What he didn't realize what that all the things he said and did to me before all of that was payback enough for 10 lifetimes over. Here are somethings I can thank my Dad for.

1. Inability to communicate with Men- i suck at it. Sometimes I can't say the simplist things-I'm getting better. But you have no idea how much it sucks to have so much to say and feel like if you say it you'll for sure get rejected and possibly someone will be angry with you.
2. I missed out on being a kid- I had to look after him and my Mum. I didn't have timet og o through regualr kid things. My development is advanced in some ways and so behind in others.
3. Previous addictions- I wouldn't call myself and addict but I definitly liked alcohol and pot for a while. Not nessicarily my Dad's fault-lots of people with good Dad's do drugs. But I was doing because my Dad did it. And it was a way of connecting with him.
4.Fear of Rejection- eveyrone has this too, but with me it's so intense sometimes its hard to breathe. I create this owlrd in my head where everyone is fake with me and actually is just waiting to get rid of me which leads me to number..
5. Assumptions- I am the queen of assumption. I always think i know what people are thinking about me and it's usually bad. I need constant assurance that I am loved and that people forgive me.
6. Last but not least. Lack of Grace. Because I've had no grace for my father...I don't have any grace for myself. I hate that I couldn't save him after he left our house and I left my sister to deal with it. I hate that he didn't "love me enough" to get treatment and that I had to leave him. I'm not sure I can forgive him for what he did to my mother and my sister. Nevermind how he let me down.
He used to yell and scream and sometimes hit or threaten to hit. And he would make promises he never kept. He would show up late and leave early and spend his days off at the bars with his friends. Every birthday sucked. I have one good memory of my dad. I told it to my friend Deanna the other day.

I was really little, small enough to have to look up to see him and I remember looking up and taking my dad's hand. We were in a grocery store parking lot. It was really sunny. I can still see how big his hand was and feel how rough it was from working all day and I remember how he swung his arms so much when he walked. I remember he smiled at me when I looked up at him. And he swung my hand in his. That's all I've got.
Maybe that's enough.

These last few days I have realized something. My dad will never be a dad like I want him to be. But maybe that's okay. Maybe all he can give me is a 'hi, I'm good, how are you" and telling me the same stories over and over again. Maybe I don't need to forgive him or save him from anything. Maybe I just need to honor my father. That doesn't mean being emotionally open for him to wound me again. It means maybe writing him a letter and telling him what I'm doing with my life. Not even a phone call. Just an update. He might not even want it. He's still a drunk and probably is still really mad at me.

But at least I can say I tried. At least if he dies tomorrow I can say that I respected him as my dad. It's too late to go back and fix those things and I think it's okay that he can't be what I need him to be. He's weak and lost. And probably sad and lonely. So I'm going to try. I'll write him a letter. I don't know what it will say. But I'm going to start praying for him.
Right now.

Jesus I just want to pray that you would be present with my father. I thank you that at one point he and Mum did love each other and I'm thankful that they had my sister and I. I am thankful for the lessons you taught me through his life and that I have been able to use them to help other people. I'm not going to pray that you break his addiction. That is his prayer to pray. But I do pray Father that you would help him to feel love from somewhere and that you would bless him with something. I don't even know what that is. But I feel as though he is a broken man and I ask that you would surround him and make your presence known. Please protect me in my connection with him, whatever that looks like I just want the words I say to be yours not mine. And if this is your plan Lord, just soften his heart. I just pray for healing for both of us. Amen.

I am capable of understanding what it is to be a mother or a father. My dad is not and never has been because he never had that himself. I can't put expectations on people that aren't realistic. I don't need to tolerate his behavior but I need to stop saying "Here is my standard of fatherhood, rise up to it". Cause it's too late. And he's not capable. I can't fill in those kinds of gaps with childhood experiences.

Everything from here on out is "grown-up" stuff even if I don't feel that way. I think I'm ready to see my Dad as a person. His name is Bob. And he's an alcoholic. But I knew him first as my Dad. Just as a need grace and forgivness from others, I shouldn't deny him that. it doesn't make what he did okay- but he doesn't have the capacity to understand and feel guilt. I do. And I will feel guilty if he dies and I never tried. So this is more for me then it is for him. But that's okay.

My true Father has been with me since the day I was born and has never left me even when I walked away from him for no reason. God's done alot for me. And he gave me a Mum who taught me the meaning of unconditional love when I wasn't even listening to God yet. Now I need to love someone unconditionally as He has loved me. Bob will always be Bob. I am growing and changing but I'm stuck in a rut till I fix this break that needs mending. Otherwise, I can never accept someone loving me and I can never fully love them. My heart isn't whole right now.
I just need to fix it.
Thanks Mum for loving me for both of you. You were and are more then enough.
Thanks to Fiona for the perspective. You made a lot of sense out of a really big mess.
P.S- Sorry that took so long, but condensing 22 years into a few pages is never easy!