Don't Write This Down...

You walk down the hallway and you break the glass silence
The fragile words you use echo in tune
My heart beats faster then slower with comfort
And I know that you’ve figured it out and I’m doomed

Listening to the ramblings of a man with no soul
As so many have told me before
Unable to hear them, not wanting to see it
Knowing I just can’t stop it or close the door

And if nothing else finds you through me or through them
If our damaged, blurred, friendship should come to an end
If you never want more then I think I should give
If we never see past late nights, mornings and live
On the side of the days that bring something I need
And something you’ve craved all along
I want you to know what’s right there in your hands
But I’ll try not to write you the love song
Yeah I’m not going to write you a love song

You keep trying to drown me in your I’m going toos
You have no idea what mine really are
I really don’t want to feel anything about your life
And it’s not helping you trying to open the scar

This is impossibly hopeless and so full of promise
It hasn’t played out the way it was planned
The truth is you’re the desert of broken dreams
And all I want to do is sink beneath your quicksand

I feel in my gut that you tell me the truth
But they tell me I have reason to believe
That you leaving me broken is coming again
And so I doubt you and wait for you to leave

But I’m still here….


And if nothing else finds you through me or through them
If our damaged, blurred, friendship should come to an end
If you never want more then I think I should give
If we never see past late nights, mornings and live
On the side of the days that bring something I need
And something you’ve craved all along
I want you to know what’s right here in your hands
But I’ll try not to write you the love song
Yeah I’m not going to write you a love song


Ready to be written with self-indulgence on the brain
I’ve got the lyrics, lines and the chords
But I’m not going to let it out or let you in far enough
My words would just cut you like double-edged swords
And I’d end up paying a price greater then I’m willing to pay

So I’ll stay

But I won’t write you a love song
I can’t write you that love song
Or at least, I won’t write it down…..

“Let’s talk about feelings.”
“Okay, what kind of feelings?”
“Let’s talk about unconditional love.”

Seems like a kind of conversation any girl wants to have. But it’s what came after that part of the conversation that ruined it.

He wanted me to come over and do things and say things that I didn’t want to do with him or say to him. And worse yet, we had already had that conversation. I had been firm about what I expected and what I was capable of. It was hard and scary but I felt much stronger after having done it. And again I was put in the uncomfortable position I had worked so hard to break free of.
And he wanted to talk about unconditional love.

How do you decide if someone’s definition of love matches yours? People throw that word around like it’s a toy. Like a “the” or an “and”. The vast majority of our population doesn’t really know what love means, let alone unconditional love.

“Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts. “- Quote from The Last Kiss

It’s the truth. All my experiences have taught me that this is completely true. You can say you care and that you love someone, but if your actions don’t back it up then you are lying to yourself and you are lying to the person you’re telling it to.

When you are placed in the position of being the one that is lied to, how do you decide whether it’s worth fighting for? How do you decide whether to stay or to walk away? I recently went through a situation where someone else did something pretty much unforgivable to me. They put me in a scary situation that rocked me to my core. And I forgave them. Why? Because it felt completely different. When he said he was sorry I knew he actually meant it. It was the look in his eyes and the way he moved his face and hands. He had a sincerity about him that only I can understand.

Everyone was telling me to walk away. And I wanted to. I wanted to hate him and I told him that. But then I thought about how much forgiveness I’d received in my own life. Where would I be if people hadn’t given me a second chance? And it just felt right to give him a second chance. I cared about him enough to show it. Not to be a doormat for his bad behavior. But to be a big enough person to pay it forward and to help him understand what it really means to care about someone. His core was good. He was just making bad choices. He wasn’t hatable. It would be impossible for to me to ignore all the other things he’d done for me and all the other experiences we’d had together. And it would be impossible for me to ignore the way he was when the chips were down and it really counted. When it really mattered he dealt with it. And that meant something.

But in this current situation it doesn’t feel like that. It’s been downhill from the start and I just shut my eyes and pretended I wasn’t careening down a steep slope of doom. Everything that was good feels like a set up. It all feels like a lie. A house of cards that was inevitably going to self destruct. And I’m left with a few tattered pieces of what could have been. But the truth is I gave up on it a long time ago. The bad part is I actually did think he cared about me a person. Like he really cared about what happened to me and my family and my friends. But the truth is he is completely self serving. Nothing he did was for my benefit. It was all leading up to that moment where his true colours would seep through. No matter how he tried to keep it hidden. And no matter how hard I tried not to see it.

I feel no need to forgive him in the way I forgave in the other situation. I just feel the need to get the poison out of my life. It makes me feel nauseous and shell shocked.

“Let’s talk about unconditional love.”

Sure. Let’s talk about how I don’t love you unconditionally. Because I don’t. You broke into my safe space. You snuck in though an open window and tried to darken the brightest light with your disease. I refuse to let you back into that space to try it again. You can’t strangle the life out of me or make me think that I am not destined to be something better then what you are trying to make me be. It may not seem like a big deal to you. But it’s a huge deal to me. And I can’t and I won’t let it happen again. There are lots of women out there that will. I am not, nor will I ever be one of them.

The truth is I loved you conditionally. I loved you on the condition you would be there for me and support me. On the condition that you were sorry and would change the way you were doing things. I cared about you on the condition that you had goodness at your core and a genuine desire to constantly be growing and learning and bettering yourself. I loved you as my friend on the condition that you would respect me and love me as your friend. And you broke every single one of those conditions. Don’t ask me how I am when you don’t really want to know. And now I don’t want to know how you are. You wrecked it. And I can see all of your lies now for what they really were. A set up. Too bad for you I figured it out before you got what you wanted. Too bad for me it took me so long to admit that I knew about it all.

Everyone you’ve fooled will keep believing how wonderful you are. And you can keep that public persona- that façade of human decency – that smoke screen of perfection going for as long as you like. But rest assured if you do not change they will eventually see you for what you are. A poor, sad, shell of a person who really has no idea what love is. And the bad stuff that’s happened to you in your life is no excuse. You are a grown up human being, and as such it is your responsibility to deal with your past, suck it up, and move on. Stop blaming everyone for a situation that you have created for yourself.

And you said you knew God. Anyone who knew God’s love shouldn’t love like that. And that’s one of the worst parts of this. Is how you are trampling on His name and the forgiveness He gave you. There is hope for you. But only if you take a good long look in the mirror and are completely honest with yourself. And you better hurry up because you are running out of time.

Unconditional love. It’s hard to find it. It’s the kind of love that’s pure and good. It’s rare. I know it. I have felt it. I see it in the face of a two year old baby girl who doesn’t yet know what it means to be really hurt. I see it in my mother’s face. I see it when my grandmother looks at my grandfather. I saw it in my father’s eyes as I sat by his bedside. I feel it when my sister hugs me. I feel it when I say I’m sorry to my friends and they say “It’s okay. I forgive you. And anyway, I can’t imagine my life without you.” I feel it in a 2 hour conversation on a Sunday morning about nothing that means more then a 15 minute conversation about something that feels empty.

I know a lot of this may seem like code. Like I’m talking around something instead of talking about it. What I’m trying to say it unconditional love is about consistency between words and action. It is about tangible and practical examples of love being put into action. Knowing when to bend and when to break. Knowing when to give space and when not to leave. Living as honestly as you can and saying sorry when you don’t.

Yeah, let’s talk about unconditional love. I know what it is. And I don’t think you do. And the fact that you even tried to bring that up in a conversation that was anything but loving shows me how much work you’ve got to do. And tells me that I can’t be your crutch while you do it.

“Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts. “
- Quote from The Last Kiss

I don’t love you unconditionally. It’s not my job to make you see things differently. But I do love you enough to let you go. And I love myself enough to walk away with my dignity in tact and my heart still on my sleeve to prove to people that darkness cannot keep the light out forever. This time of darkness is over. Hopefully I’ll see you on the brighter side one day. Cause that's where I am and that's where I'm going to stay.

There are lots of things in life you can be late for.
A bus, your job, the last chocolate donut, paying your taxes, the first warm chocolate chip cookie fresh out of the oven. Some are more important then others obviously. You can be late for all these things and more but your life moves on. Most of the time you can still accomplish what you set out to do with a relatively small consequence. Just because you don’t get the FIRST cookie doesn’t mean you won’t get one- and you may have to pay extra on your taxes, but they will be paid. So here’s my question. What things in life can you NOT afford to be late for. And how is that you come to conclusion that you are “too late” in the first place?
I recently realized that there are a lot of things I was “late” for growing up. I know everyone’s got their issues so I won’t play the worlds smallest violin and ask for sympathy for having my own issues. But my issues tend to focus on relationships. Specifically healthy relationship with the opposite sex.
I find that I am constantly looking for that stereotypical “prince charming” to swoop in and fix my life and make me forget all the painful memories I have of being left and walked out on as a kid. Because I assume that every guy I meet could potentially be that answer to the eternal question “I’m I fixable?” I end up setting the standard so high for them that they can never in a million years end up providing the feelings of safety and security that I so desperately crave.
Until recently.
Through a completely unexpected source I am learning how to take it easier on the men in my life. That doesn’t mean falling back on certain essential standards but it does mean not having such high expectations of emotional intimacy right off the bat.
Everyone’s need for “love” begins with a very primal instinct. It begins when we are babies; we need to be touched, held, cooed to, and cuddled. These basic building blocks never go away (despite how we might push them). As we grow into adults these basic needs take on more mature specifications, but they are indeed still present in our psyches. Sometimes we mistake lust for love because we need to feel these things so much. I know personally I’ve done that more then once. But I think I’m starting to figure it out now.
Just as when we were kids we turn to different people for different kinds of validation. We went to our mom if we needed comfort and usually our dad if we needed tough love or a stronger more protective approach. As adults we develop relationships that take on similar reflections of this early pattern. As a woman, some men in my life have deeper meaning then others. I go to some for comfort and listening and I go others when I need different kinds of validation. The key is to find someone who encompasses all these things. As Shakespeare wrote, “There in lies the rub”.
There are different kinds of love. “Dreamy love” is where I think I’ve existed for the past 23 years. It is only now that I am beginning to understand a new practical way of loving someone. For their personality and the way they treat you. Not necessarily for who you project them to be.
There is something about my need to be “loved” that is very primal. I hate to admit that. It makes me feel SUPER uncomfortable to talk about physical love. But it has been through my discovery of what it means to be intimate with someone that this kind of love has taken on a new meaning.
I know I’m being very cryptic, and most of you are DYING to know what exactly I’m referring to and I’m not going to go into specifics. All I’m going to say is that if you open yourself up to the possibility that someone unexpected and seemingly incapable can give you the things that you really didn’t even know you were looking for, you might be pleasantly surprised. I was.
To have a friend that you can trust with the deepest parts of you, your darkest and brightest secrets, your wildest thoughts and your highest dreams is invaluable. Even if he doesn’t know that he is encouraging you to discover all these things.
We aren’t dating. Not even close. And we probably never will.
But he is my friend. And he is encouraging me to live life on a level I never thought I could. And he might never know how valuable that is to me. He makes me laugh so hard sometimes I think I’m gonna stop breathing, he tells me about his life and trusts me with his thoughts. And I trust him with mine and I let him into those places I think I can’t talk about, like my Dad. And my brokenness. He’s a good friend. So far he’s been pretty safe. I don’t know if it’ll be like that forever. But it’s like that for now and I’m greatful. I might at some point get attached. And he might “break my heart”. And that would suck. But there is something about living through those experiences that reminds you that you are alive. People get their hearts broken everyday. It’s what you do with that experience that defines you as a person, not the experience itself.
And this is the difference he has made in my life. Being okay with the right now and not living so far in advance that I can’t appreciate what’s happening right in front of my face.
Who knew that he would be the one to teach me?
Sometimes God works though people in mysterious ways. And sometimes it’s hard to see him in situations that appear rather far away from Him.
So here’s to learning ho w to trust, how to live in the moment, and how to be okay with being late.
Sometimes it’s not okay to be late. But with this stuff it IS okay. It happens when you are ready and in a place where you can handle it and accept it.
I appreciate him, but more importantly I appreciate my willingness to grow to a place where I can fully accept the experience of knowing him. That’s the biggest reward in this. I tried to keep men out my whole life and I’d sit and complain and wonder why “no one wanted me.” The truth is I didn’t really want them. And I made no attempt to figure things out other wise. So now I’m figuring.
And he’s there to remind me that it’s never too late.

Awkward Silence

Alone in a deeply crowded room
I wait for your eyes to meet mine
And I stare into the brightness

Secretly regrets wait and loom
In things that I should tell you
In my chest I’m feeling tightness


But I crave those moments
dripped in satire’s awkward glow
it’s like a drug I can’t let go
And I yearn for the silences
Draped in possibilities
My waning inabilities exposed


My life’s story falls upon your ears
I drink in what you pour out
And I can’t get enough of you

The laughter echoes in revealing tears
The truth resting just upon my lips
I’m afraid that you’ll leave too


But I crave those moments
dripped in satire’s awkward glow
it’s like a drug I can’t let go
And I yearn for the silences
Draped in possibilities
My waning inabilities exposed

But it’s in those moments I feel most alive
Please don’t run ahead of me
I’m already feeling far enough behind
I just wanna say

That I crave those moments
Dripped in satire’s awkward glow
You’re the drug I can’t let go
And I yearn for your silence
Draped in dreams and peeled of pain
Like something too beautiful to know

So I said I was going to post some song lyrics a while ago and I didn't. I guess I'm nervous about cause I don't really know what I'm doing. But here are some I wrote recently.

"Up in the Air".

My head is swimming in a sea of thoughts that don’t make sense
I’m not sure why I’m feeling so lost
I guess I thought that you and me were somehow in the present tense
Not something once attempted and now gone

The wild anticipation
breaks free to imagination
and I guess I just saw things not really there

Maybe I misunderstood
Maybe you miscommunicated
Maybe I didn’t say enough
Maybe you weren’t listenin’

Coffee till 3am from Thursday afternoon
Walks in the park in the fall
Letting go of fears held within me as a child
And trying so hard to let you in

I wasn’t loud enough
I guess I should’ve screamed it at the top of my lungs


Chorus:
And I don’t know where to go from here
Can’t you take the lead and show me how it’s s’pposed to go
I’ve confused myself with thoughts and dreams I didn’t wanna write
And now I’m asking you to just call
I know I’m far too fragile and sometimes too much to handle
And there’s a million reasons why I shouldn’t even care
But I do.


My mind is playing ping pong with the growing list of reasons
I can’t quite get a grip on finding truth
If emotions are supposed to pass through me like the seasons
Then why am I feeling stuck and now unglued

And there were witnesses to my disbelief when you walked in the door
I wanted to be an open book of answers
Instead I think I only showed the cover
And the truth of it is I have no idea what she came there for
And the only one I’ve really got to blame is me



I wanted to get to know you better
I wanted to move on slow
But now staring this right in the face I think that you should know

That I don’t know where to go from here
Can’t you take the lead and show me how it’s s’pposed to go
I’ve confused myself with thoughts and dreams I didn’t wanna write
And now I’m asking you to just call
I know I’m far too fragile and sometimes too much to handle
And there’s a million reasons why I shouldn’t even care
But I do.

Love. That word gets thrown around so much these days.
What does the word love really mean? This is a question I have had to ask myself repeatedly over the last 6 months, and I’ll probably continue to redefine it my entire life.

When I was a child love wasn’t something complicated- if I liked something, I probably felt that I loved it. When our emotions are immature, as they are when we are young, they don’t accumulate layers that need to be sorted through. You either love it, or you don’t. Plain and simple.

As I grew and observed all the different relationships around me I began to realize that love wasn’t not such a simple thing. I don’t remember the first time I watched my parents fight or the first time I realized that my dad was hurting my mum. But I think that at some point in my very young life I began to realize that sometimes loving
someone meant that you hurt yourself.

In my pre-teen years I learned about different kinds of love, familial love, friendship love, and I discovered what I thought was “romantic” love…as romantic as that can be when you’re 9…Then at 10 everything stopped. Everything I thought I knew became different. For me that was the year that the blinders came off. Well, they didn’t just come off they were ripped off. It was the beginning of the end of parent’s marriage and things would never be he same. A few weeks ago I drove past the police station they took us too when my Dad was arrested for driving under the influence. I hadn’t seen it since that night. I couldn’t have even described it to you. But when I saw it I knew every nook and cranny. That place was the catalyst to my adulthood.

I do remember watching parent’s arguments in those last 3 years of their marriage. I remember my father- unwilling to admit that his addiction was ruining his life and my mother, begging him to love us enough to try. I remember realizing at about 12 years old that my Dad actually did have a problem. And it was then that I began to learn another side of love.
The side where you sometimes have to choose.

It was either sink or swim. Stay with my Dad and everyone would sink because he couldn’t see past his own hurt enough to see ours. Or, pick up the pieces of what was left and swim with my Mum. I choose the later, even though it ripped my heart out. And later on when I had to make the choice to stop seeing my dad, I followed through with the lesson of loving something enough to let it go, and loving myself enough to know that that was okay.

Love wasn’t so simple anymore. It wasn’t cut and dry. The fun was kind of sucked out of it and I began to experience love only in a survival mode. I didn’t have boyfriends in Junior High or High School. Because I didn’t have time for that kind of love. That kind of love was rebellious, exciting, provocative, and experimental. I didn’t have time for any of those things. I think I thought that if that kind of love, lead to my parents kind of love, then I didn’t want it. So I grew up only understanding familial love and friendship love. I was really good at that. I think I still am. And I began to experience it in a Spiritual way.
As I graduated from high school and things calmed down in my personal life I became a little bit wild. I drank a lot and partied all the time and hung out with a “not-so-good” crowd. I was experimenting with all kinds of stuff and hanging out with all kinds of people and I really wasn’t thinking about any kind of love. Not even familial love, I was just making up for lost time- or so I thought. It’s interesting that amidst all that blackness I still didn’t ever take the chance on having a relationship with somebody. I always told myself it was because of the way I looked, or acted, but I know now that I was being protected and that I was also protecting myself. I didn’t want to end up like my parents. But I wanted to have a good time. I was headed down a pretty scary road. I was getting myself into a lot of trouble. And it wasn’t till years later that I realized that the thing that saved me from that black hole was the spiritual love that I had only scratched the surface of.

A few years later my Dad got sick. I watched as my Mum swallowed her feelings of anger and visited him in the hospital even before I did. And she tried to take care of him- even right down to putting Vaseline on his dry lips. This man who had mistreated her, left her, hurt her children. She had found it in her heart to forgive him- and not only that but she was able to show love as well.

And I forgave him. Because he asked me to. And he cried because he had missed me and I had grown up without him and he ached because he knew what he had done.
And he forgave me. For leaving and being to scared to come back.

And then he passed away.

And my heart ached because the father I had always wanted and desperately needed had finally shown his face but now- he was gone for good. I didn’t have a choice. I had to let him go.

So now I’m 23. And what does love mean to me now…sometimes I don’t think there are words. I know there are different kinds of love. I know that love is not simple. It will never be as simple as it was when we were children.
I know that love in a friendship means be willing to be there when the chips are down. Being willing to put up with someone being crazy for a little while. I know there is give and take.
I know that familial love means that it is never too late to say you’re sorry if you mean it. That parents are people and make mistakes. That we are all human and just because we share blood doesn’t mean that we have to be perfect and get along all the time. I also know that you can feel familial love with people who aren’t even part of your original family. I think the only way I could some of my friend’s kids more is if they were my own- and sometimes I take responsibility for them as if they were because I love them so much. They are also my family.
I know that spiritual love mean having the unconditional love of God and not being afraid to show it. I know that through Him all things are possible and without Him it’s that much harder to get to where you need to go.
And romantic love. I know that romantic love is all of these things put together. I know that it is not perfect. That sometimes it’s hard and sometimes you break up and sometimes you hurt your partner and sometimes they hurt you. But I know that loving someone means loving them in their whole person. Meaning you take their faults and their beauty and combine it with your to create this space of silent splendour. It will always be hard. There will always be challenges. But loving somebody means that you are willing to do anything you can to work things out. It is never a mistake to love someone and it’s important that you are both bringing your best selves into the relationship and that you are WILLING to work for it. Being in love shouldn’t “complete” you. It should bring together 2 people who want to take their lives and their definition of love to a new level.
And I’m terrified of it. But I’m terrified to live my whole life not knowing what it means to put what I’ve learned into practise.
It’s taken me a long time to figure out what love looks like. And I think that definition will continue to morph and change throughout the rest of my life. But I’m not afraid of it in the same sense that I once was.

I am so greatful for all the love I have in my life. And if I’m blessed to take that love to a new level, then I’ll be greatful. Either way I’m not afraid anymore. I’m finally at that place where love doesn’t just mean one thing. And I thank God for that.

So-
I’ve been surprised at how many people are shocked that I haven’t ever been on a “date”. Honestly I haven’t- trust me I wish I was lying but I’m not.

So I’ve been trying to figure out why and time and time again comes the response that my confidence and my independence is intimidating…

That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard- I don’t know who reads this- if my pal Jaymee is right, then nobody does, but if any MEN are reading this….please try hard to understand that if you think that about girls then you are seriously slow…you should be happy that we don’t need your money or for you to take care of us in that sense…how frustrating for those of us who have been single for most of their lives, to hear that all the work we’ve done in making ourselves into self sufficient people is a “turn off” or a “scare off” or whatever you wanna call it.

And here I thought it was cause I was fat.
*sigh*

At any rate, I’m slowly working towards being able to ask a boy out because I’ve figured out that no one will ask me so I HAVE TO ASK THEM….ugh which is like ripping my Uggs apart in front of me…which is the same as ripping my heart out…and I think everyone is getting annoyed with me just talking about it all the time and going back and forth and then just drowning in it and getting depressed cause it doesn’t work out.

Please- don’t let him have a girlfriend! That would seriously suck if he did….SERIOUSLY!!!

This is silly, I’m 22 years old and I’m a great person and I can totally ask someone out. I can do it. I just need a moment to do it and I’ll do it. I will conquer this- if not before I turn 23, then before I turn 24 because…ACK!!! I’m gonna be 24 next year!!!! Holy crap…how the heck does that happen….oh boy….
Here’s the lyrics to an awesome song I’ve been listening to lately…


Imogen Heap- Just for now



It's that time of year,
Leave all our hopelessnesses aside (if just for a little while)
Tears stop right here,
I know we've all had a bumpy ride (I’m secretly on your side)

How did you know?
It's what I always wanted,
You can never have had too many of these
Will ya quit kicking me under the table?
I'm trying, will somebody make her shut up about it?
Can we settle down please?

It's that time of year,
Leave all our hopelessnesses aside (if just for a little while)
Tears stop right here,
I know we've all had a bumpy ride (I’m secretly on your side)

Lie down
Deep breaths
Count to ten
Nod your head


I think something is burning,
Now you've ruined the whole thing
Muffle the smoke alarm
Whoever put on this music
Had better quick, sharp, remove it
Pour me another
Oh, don't wag your finger at me

It's that time of year,
Leave all our hopelessnesses aside (if just for a little while)
Just stand right here,
I know we've all had a bumpy ride (I’m secretly on your side)

Get me outta here
Get me outta here
Just for now
Just for now


I LOVE that song….her live version is the best…it’s on her myspace page…check it out…
anyway...here goes nothing, I'm growing and learning and it never stops and I NEED to do this....I'm into deep now and I need to do this. For once in my life.